The Caravan of Eragon
by ThePurpleRose
Summary: Sequel to The House of Eragon. Eragon still loves waffles, Brom's got more shoes, Selena aspires to be Supernanny, Orik's a poof, Galby's got a stomach of steel and Angela's just Angela. Please read and review; you know you want to!
1. Of Idiots and Chocolate Coin Wrappers

AN: Yes, I know I haven't yet started the sequel to The House of Eragon but I've been busy suffocating under a pile of coursework

**AN: Yes, I know ****it's been ages since I wrote the first one and I could go through a whole list of things that have stopped me writing this sequel (namely all the other unfinished stories I'm writing and all my coursework (I've got my exams tomorrow)) but I'm not going to. All I'm gonna say is that this was originally written for Christmas but not finished and seems a shame to waste it so I thought I'd go for it and use it as the first chapter of the sequel.**

**Oh, and I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed on the last chapter of the first House of Eragon. You're all fantastic! Yeah, I'm just gonna finish off this chapter now…**

_**Disclaimer: Do I own Eragon? No. Should you sue me for randomising Christopher Paolini's characters? No. You can't sue me for the characters I created though; you will know which ones they are.**_

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**Chuub rules! Yeah!**

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Eragon cried, dropping to his knees.

Selena sighed, rolling her eyes. It was the same every year. Christmas dinner should not contain waffles. Eragon, being a waffle addict, just could not handle that fact. Last Christmas, Selena had caved in and made Eragon waffles to go with his Christmas dinner anyway, but this year, she was not going to. Eragon could just manage with what he had.

Just then, Arya walked in. She raised her eyebrows. "Erm, Selena, Brom just knocked out Durza with his shoe because Galbatorix ate a bauble."

Selena left to deal with it. Christmas was certainly the most stressful time of the year for her.

"What's the matter with you?" Arya questioned, looking down at the distraught Eragon.

Eragon grabbed her leg and hugged it. "Th-th-there aren't any waffles for chriiiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaas!"

Arya rolled her eyes and replied simply, "There never are. We just have to mange with having them as a snack. By the way, I expect you to make me poffles for all the pain you're gonna put me through."

She didn't wait to see if it cheered him up before leaving the room to count her presents because she had to prove to Murtagh that she had way more presents than he did, which she did; one more to be exact. She'd got one from Morzan but he hadn't.

She reached out and grabbed his ankle as he passed, almost making him trip over into the Christmas tree. Thankfully, he didn't; there was no way she'd put it back up in her condition. She giggled; that was one heck of an excuse.

Murtagh raised one eyebrow at her. "Are you gonna let go of my leg or not? I'm trying to get away from Thorn's taunting!"

"I've got more presents than you 'cause Morzan didn't get you one!" she declared happily. "You do realise that Thorn's in your head, don't you? You've got to block him out if you want to stop his teasing; running away won't do anything for you."

_Ha Ha Ha! She's got you there mini emo one! _The irritating voice of the red dragon teased in Murtagh's head.

Murtagh, not being able to see the actual source of his irritation, settled for the next best thing to give a particularly nasty bout of Evils to: the wall. _Thorn! How many times do I have to tell you! I'm not mini…_

_You are compared to me!_ Thorn interrupted.

_Look, just shut up and let me finish this, okay? I'm not mini and I'm not an emo!_

Thorn interjected. _Whatever helps you sleep at night!_

_So don't call me that!_ Murtagh finished, fuming.

_Why would I call you 'That'? It's obvious you're my mini emo one._

Murtagh shook his head. _Thorn, I hate you. I really, really hate you!_

"Hello!" Arya's call drowned out any response made by Thorn. "Murtagh! I am _trying_ to tell you that I have one more present than you do and the least you can do is listen to the pregnant lady!"

Murtagh sighed but answered anyway because Morzan had lectured him on the probability that if he upset the hormonal pregnant elf, she would attack him and he would catch something nasty and _die_. "Yep, I'm listening now."

Smiling, she said in a matter-of-factly tone, "I have one more present than you do."

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Morzan was bored. In fact, he was very bored. In fact, if it was possible to die of boredom, which he sincerely hoped it wasn't, he should have died an awful long time ago.

Fortunately for him, he had a mobile phone and the entirety of the organisation of LEPRADAS plus the Morrison's paramedic gut at his disposal, so he could paint the hospital wall that the dragons had broken while Eragon and Murtagh were being treated there and organise Murtagh's Christmas surprise for tomorrow at the same time.

He was just dialling the number when an Irish voice startled him enough to make him drop the mobile phone into a bucket of white paint. Biting back a curse, he began to rummage around looking for it.

"Connor! I think I spotted me pot o' gold! Oh wait, 'S only a chocolate coin wrapper."

"Dermot, yer an idiot!" Connor, the calm, ginger leader of LEPRADAS replied to the village idiot. "Yer know I've got yer pot o' gold!"

"Oh," Dermot replied. There was a moment of silence before, "Connor! It's me pot o' gold!"

Connor sighed. "No, Dermot laddie, that's just the chocolate coin wrapper yer just saw."

"Oh."

Leaning against the freshly painted, white wall, the Morrison's paramedic guy was watching a movie on his portable DVD player.

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In the hallway of the house, chaos reigned.

Durza was unconscious on the floor. Brom was attacking Galbatorix with one of his shoes, while the mad king digested the bauble he'd just eaten and clamped his teeth around the shoe that was still on Brom's foot. Yep, Brom had managed to find another pair of shoes to replace the pair that Galbatorix had eaten one of. His remaining shoe from that pair was stashed away in his bedroom ready to be uncovered when the ex-rider was most in need of a hardy, reliable weapon.

Selena was, thankfully for the brawling pair, outside because she had discovered the Saphira was defacing the Christmas lights on the roof. Unfortunately for the brawling pair, she knew what was going on and was planning on sorting it out just as soon as she had finished sending Saphira to garden naughty corner the first.

As she thought about her presents to Eragon and Arya, the corners of her mouth involuntarily curved upwards to form a smile despite her stern voice to Saphira. She, at least, was getting into the spirit of Christmas, which was, after all, tomorrow.

Oh yes, it was certainly going to be a day to remember.

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**AN: yeah, I know not a lot happens in this chapter but it's building up to the next one and the sequel's got to start somewhere. Sorry, Orik, Angela and probably a load of other characters aren't in it but they will be making an appearance next chapter.**

**Next chapter: What are Selena's presents to Eragon and Arya? What's Morzan's Christmas surprise for Murtagh? Will Thorn stop calling him mini emo one? You're gonna have to read on to find out.**

**Immortali****: Do you mind if I use your brother and sister's song in this story?**

**I need feedback!**

**Please review :-p**


	2. Of Christmas Dinner and Caravan Envelope

AN: Yeah, I know I haven't update in ages but in my defence, I am ill and I've got my GCSEs next week

**AN:**** Yeah, I know I haven't update in ages but in my defence, I am ill and I've got my GCSEs next week. Thankfully, it's half term so I've got enough time to update this now. Also, I know it's not Christmas anymore but just assume that it is.**

_**Disclaimer: I own the randomness and the plot but the characters belong to CP and the song used by Durza belongs to **__**Immortali.**_

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Arya was not best pleased. As far as she was concerned, no elf should have put up with that as their alarm in the morning.

"Iiiiiiiittttt'ss Cccccchhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssstttttttttttttttmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!"

That's right, she had just been woken by someone jumping on the end of her bed yelling about what day it is before zooming off to give everyone else the same wake-up call. That someone was Eragon.

Sighing, Arya dragged herself out of her nice, warm bed and ambled down to the lounge, where Selena was setting down a tray of Christmas tree shaped cookies on the side table. Arya took one, sat on the sofa and tossed the cookie from hand to hand while it cooled.

She was quickly joined by the increasingly hyperactive and out of breath Eragon, who grabbed a cookie and shoved it in his mouth whole. Arya raised her eyebrows.

"You do realise that those cookies have just come out of the oven and they're hot?" Arya said, marvelling at the blue rider's stupidity.

Eragon eyes widened. He swallowed and started to choke, launching himself off the sofa and onto the floor. "Water!" he croaked. "Need water…Please?"

"Get it yourself," Arya replied. "I'm getting all fat because of you."

"That was your fault!" Eragon cried, forgetting all about his burnt throat.

Arya gasped. "It so was not!"

"You were the one that chose the video!" Eragon stated adamantly.

Arya pushed herself up from the sofa threatening to slap him. "It was your sperm! Besides, that video looked interesting!"

"Your egg," Eragon mumbled backing away.

Without question, Arya slapped him, knocking him sideways into the wall. Where her ring was on her middle finger, it had produced a cut on his cheek. Eragon, slightly dazed, was instantly set upon by the elf, who crushed him in a hug and stroked his hair, murmuring about how sorry she was.

Arya's pregnancy hormones; he would never get used to them.

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"Is it cooked yet?" Durza asked so close to Selena's elbow that his nose was actually touching her as she stuffed the turkey.

"I haven't started cooking it yet, Durza," Selena answered without even sparing the shade a glance.

Durza looked a little put out by that lack of attention. "Oh……. Is it cooked yet?"

Silence.

The annoying shade tried again, "Is it cooked yet?"

He gasped. He was being ignored. He, Durza the shade, the one that was so annoying that Leprechauns of ginger heaven had mounted an organisation called L.E.P.R.A.D.A.S ( Leprechaun Rebellion Against Durza the Annoying Shade) against him, was being completely blanked.

But not for long.

Durza screwed up his eyes, took a really deep breath and yelled, "IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? **IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? ****IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET? IS IT COOKED YET?**"

Nope, still no reaction. Selena had somehow become immune to his constant questioning. Durza suspected that Supernanny was responsible. Until he could find a way to assassinate Supernanny, he would have to find a new way to any Selena.

He seated himself on the floor and racked his tiny, ginger-hamster-driven brains. Selena could probably hear the squeaking hamster making the rusty cogs in the shade's mind turn but she kept stuffing the Christmas turkey.

The only thing Durza could come up with was the Barney theme tune but he didn't know the entire tune. A song! That was it! He could sing a song! He thought of all the possible tunes he could adapt and settled on the best.

Finally, the shade opened his mouth and sang to the tune of Frère **(AN: I'm not sure if that's right but apparently that song about someone waking up their brother and that's brother in French)** Jacques, "Is it cooked yet? Is it cooked yet?

Is it cooked? Is it cooked?

When's it gonna be cooked? When's it gonna be cooked?

Is it cooked? Is it cooked?"

Selena turned and stared at the maroon-eyed shade. She was speechless.

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Finally, at midday, everyone was seated at the table including Angela and Orik, who were guests. Angela was chatting animatedly to Orik, who was fiddling with the tassels on his pink cat suit and trying to pay attention, about how toads did not exist, while Morzan lectured Murtagh on how is he ate the tablecloth like Galbatorix was doing then he would choke and _die_.

Naturally, Murtagh was contemplating finding another rusty arrow with which to kill himself and had developed an eye-twitch, which had, inadvertently, made Eragon go into hysterics despite the fact that he had been telling Arya how worried he was that he couldn't smell waffles only moments before.

Arya was staring at the blue rider in total disbelief, wondering why she ever slept with him. This, of course, led her to the conclusion that he was funny, kind and remarkably easy to beat up.

Meanwhile, Brom was giving seriously insane and murderous Evils to Galbatorix, who was munching on the table cloth because he was hungry and Durza was singing his new found song asking, "Are you hungry?" which the mad king certainly was.

Saphira and Thorn were rolling in snow, taking full advantage of the lack of humans of elves outside. Solembum licked his paws on slabs, watching the dragons' dog-like behaviour in disgust, at the same time sniffing the smell of Selena's cooking.

Needless to say, it was utter pandemonium.

Selena sighed, bringing in a tray containing the Christmas turkey. She beckoned to Orik to bring in the vegetables and waffles for Eragon. Yep, she'd caved in and rustled some waffles up ultra quick when her son was worrying about the lack of waffle-smell. Sure, they were only microwave waffles but Eragon, being a waffle addict, wouldn't care. The dwarf was grateful for the escape from Angela.

Soon enough, everyone was eating their Christmas dinner and the chaos was forgotten. Well, almost. Eragon was still giggling through a mouthful of microwave waffles, while Galbatorix swallowed the section of tablecloth he'd already got in his mouth but it was about as normal as it got in the house.

To Selena's relief, Christmas dinner went by without any problems. Well, she'd lost half of her tablecloth, a knife, fork and plate to Galbatorix's stomach but no-one had died when she took the remaining plates out and told everyone to gather in the lounge.

"I've got one more present than you, Murtagh!" Arya taunted as she positioned herself next to Eragon on the sofa.

Murtagh sniffed, "I don't care!"

Arya smiled smugly and rested her head on Eragon's shoulder. She'd beaten Murtagh; she was feeling rather pleased with herself. So pleased, in fact, that she even let Eragon put his arm around her shoulders.

Orik, being the poof that he was, practically melted. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwww! That is soooo _cute_!" he announced to Angela, hugging himself.

Murtagh raised one eyebrow. "You really don't get enough love, do you?"

Orik promptly went into floods of noisy tears. "I-I'M UNLOVED!" he wailed, sobbing into Angela's sleeve.

"There, there," the witch offered, rummaging around in her pocket to produce a muddy mushroom from it. "Have a mushroom!"

Orik eyes the dirty mushroom and fainted; mushrooms were not clean if they had dirt all over them and required washing in disinfectant as far as Orik was concerned.

Selena entered, closing the door to the kitchen behind her before she could sit beside Morzan, who was, after all, her husband. As soon as she had, she smiled.

"Before we open our presents, I would like to give Eragon and Arya theirs from Morzan and me," she said, elbowing her husband, who had been staring into space.

"What?" Morzan rewarded.

Selena sighed, "Our present for Arya and Eragon! Get it and give it to them."

Morzan handed his younger son an envelope marked: Eragon and his Lady Friend. For a moment, both Eragon and Arya just stared at it then Arya spoke.

"Ha! See Murtagh! Now I've got two more presents than you have!"

"Just open it!" Murtagh snapped, visualising his beloved, rusty arrow.

Arya buried her face further into Eragon's chest. "Fine," she muttered. "It's nice to know how much you care about me!"

Eragon thrust the envelope in Arya's hand, hoping to distract her from Murtagh's emoness. "Well, go on. Open it; I wanna know what they got us!"

Arya slid her nails underneath the paper, unearthing a photo. It was a photo of a caravan.

"We got you a caravan!" Selena explained excitedly. "It will be her in two days time. We plan to put in the garden. We got it so that you could have your own private little home that's close enough to the house for you to still live here because you are only sixteen, Eragon. You've got to have a guardian. And I imagine you will want all the help you can get when the baby comes!"

Eragon and Arya regarded each other. Their own caravan…. The Caravan of Eragon! It was the start of a new Era…

**AN: Okay,**** I know this chapter was kinda rubbish but it picks up next chapter. I just had to get the caravan in there somehow.**

**Next chapter: What is Morzan's surprise for Murtagh (I know that was supposed to be this chapter but I ran out of time so now it will be in the next chapter)? Will Brom manage to win a fight with Galbatorix by using his shoe? Has Durza finished with Ginger Heaven? Will Eragon and Arya be able to survive in their new caravan? And what about the Morrison's/ paramedic guy? Tune in Next chapter and see!**

**AdriaDara****: Thanks! Sorry you had to wait for so long. I will try to update soon. I really do need to update more…**

**Lilay to the stem****: Thank-you. I love waffles too but if ever got as obsessed as Eragon, I would have to bind myself in a strait jacket!**

**Sadie****: Sorry Sadie, I forgot what your account name is and I'm too lazy to look it up but I FOUND YOU! You can't hide; I shall see you at school. Anyway, too right! Chuub rocks! Randomation for the nation!**

**9ud9ir190ne6ad****: Thanks! I will try! (Try being the key word there!)**

**Libby**** /**** StuffRocksInnit****: Thank you! Tell me when you post your fic and I'll check it out.**

**Immortali****: Thanks! Sorry I didn't put up the Murtagh's Christmas surprise bit but it will be up next chapter and I'm going to try to update quickly.**

**Thank you to all you people who reviewed the House of Eragon too! Also, thanks if you've read this one. Remember, I need feedback!**

**Please review! :-p**


	3. Of Durza Alarm and Existent Addiction

AN: Okay, You're lucky I re-read Eragon earlier or I wouldn't have been tempted to write this now

**AN: Okay, You're lucky I re-read Eragon earlier or I wouldn't have been tempted to write this now. Anyway, I'm just gonna continue with the story now.**

_**Disclaimer: I'm not CP; therefore, I don't own the Inheritance trilogy. Be assured that if I did, the third book would be out by now (or not, knowing my track record for updating but I'd like to think it would be). Come on! It was supposed to be out in 2007 and it's halfway through 2008 already! Yeah, I don't have much patience…**_

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On Christmas day, Arya had decided that Eragon's yelling was the most annoying alarm clock ever but, as much as she hated to admit it, she was wrong.

"Are you up yet? Are you up yet?

Are you up? Are you up?

Are you getting up yet? Are you getting up yet?

Are you up? Are you up?"

Yes, Durza, the annoying Shade was in her bedroom! Sure, Eragon now shared it but that didn't mean she was going to let just anyone have that privilege - especially not Durza and especially not first thing in the morning.

The Shade took a great gulp of air and opened his mouth to sing the song again. Thankfully, he was interrupted by Eragon, who shot out of bed yelling, "WAFFLES! WAFFLES! WAFFLES!" and promptly left with mention of, "I can smell waffles!"

Durza shook his head opened sucked in some air to start again. "AR-"

"OKAY! OKAY!" Arya called, sitting up with the quilt held tightly against her, not that it made much difference; as far as Arya knew, Shades probably had x-ray vision or something. "I'm up! Now get out of my room!"

"Aww!" the Shade said, dejectedly ambling in the direction of the door.

"And get a move on with it too!" Arya called.

Durza just turned to look at her with large red eyes. "Don't you know what day it is?"

Arya sighed. "It's the twenty seventh of December – the day after Boxing Day. Why?" she asked, regarding him suspiciously and inwardly shuddering as she realised he was picking his nose.

"You get your caravan today!" Durza cheered.

"Oh yeah. Now scram!" she ordered. Secretly, she was convinced he was a pervert no matter how childish he seemed; you can't be a mixture of different evil spirits in a human body and be completely normal.

She dragged herself out of bed to eat breakfast and wait for her caravan to arrive. Eragon had better not have eaten all the waffles.

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In the lounge, Murtagh was happily watching Supernanny next to Selena. Galbatorix was munching on a waffle he'd managed to pilfer whilst Eragon's was giving Brom, who was tied to an armchair, a funny look and swallowing a mouthful of waffles. Brom, of course, was struggling madly as Selena watched attentively. She'd seen all the episodes of Supernanny many times but it didn't matter; it was still good telly and would help her refresh her memory about parenting the Supernanny way.

Their viewing was interrupted by a loud, exultant voice. "IT'S TODAY! IT'S TODAY!" The voice belonged to Morzan.

Selena hushed him with a finger on her lips as her charged into the room. "Inside voice please," she told him, quietly.

"It's today!" Morzan stated in a much quieter voice.

Selena smiled. "Thank-you," she said, turning her attention back to her beloved Supernanny.

"It's today!" he crowed again.

"What is?" Murtagh asked involuntarily. Almost as soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. His father was sure to find a way to turn the conversation into a lecture.

Morzan grinned. Murtagh shuddered; that grin was not natural. It was not sane. He visualised his precious, rusty arrow, wondering if it was possible to summon the essence of rusty arrow if it was possible to summon the essence of silver.

"Why it's your Christmas present!" Morzan explained. "You didn't think I'd forgotten about you, did you? You're my son, Murtagh. Of course I've got you a present. I'd be a bad parent id I hadn't. No, it's arriving at two, an hour after the caravan will."

"I'm not addicted to anything!" Murtagh snapped before he could stop himself. "It's cigarettes, isn't it? I never was addicted to them! Or is it waffles? If you want to cure someone of that addiction, try Eragon! He's the one that's been addicted to them from the start!" Or perhaps you're trying to sure me of my non-existent addiction to … to…" he scanned the room and settling on the first thing he saw. "to… sitting on chairs and you've bought some Tesco value chairs! I'm not addicted, okay! I'm not addicted to chairs. Waffles, cigarettes or anything!"

_Now you've done it, mini emo one. __You need a muzzle._

_Shut up, Thorn! _Murtagh snapped back at his red dragon. He was not in the mood for Thorn's taunting.

"Cigarettes!" Morzan exclaimed.

Selena reminded him, "Inside voices."

"Sorry!" he apologised, lowering the volume of his voice. "Cigarettes! Murtagh, haven't I told you enough times now? If you smoke cigarettes, you _will_ rot your lungs and cough a lot then get lung cancer and drink your life away…"

_Thorn! Help! He's lecturing me!_

Thorn performed the mental equivalent of a sniff. _Nope. Sorry mini emo one, you told me to shut up so I'm going to ignore you now and roll in some snow with Saphira._

_But Thorn!_ Murtagh begged. _You're my last grip on the climbing wall that is sanity!_

Thorn chuckled. _Nice metaphor._

_Thanks! So will you help me now?_

_Though they haven't been the same since you discovered that your present from Selena or the Supernanny obsessed one, mother of mini emo one and little one, was a trip to an adventure holiday for everyone. Nope, sorry mini emo one. You were mean to me… Eurgh! I rolled in werecat poo! You don't want to know what I'm going to do to Solembum next time we meet._

_Fine! Be that way! _Murtagh retorted. _But know that when I summon the essence of my rusty arrow that was hidden in the shed, my suicide is all your fault!_

_Good!_

_You die too, you know!_

_I don't care! You were mean!_

"…then you will get kidney failure and they won't operate because of your appalling lung condition – and that's only if you've beaten the cancer – and all your organs will start to fail and you will _die_. And if your organs don't fail, you pumped full of anaesthetic and will think you can fly down the stairs. You will break your ribs and be right back where you started, smoking and then you will…"

Murtagh biting so hard on his lip to avoid finding the words he needed to summon the essence of his rusty arrow that he'd drawn blood. He was just about to give up and start his search through the ancient language when a distraction walked in, gagging on a green slipper that was stuffed in his mouth.

The slipper was Arya's and the distraction was Eragon, who was choking on the slipper.

Brom, who had managed to force the gag out of his mouth so it hung limply around his neck, looked from Galbatorix, who was trying and failing to devour the carpet because they had floorboards after Orik had spilt a whole bottle of perfume on it and stain it but Selena wanted a new one anyway, to Eragon and cried, "Good lord! It's contagious!"

At that moment, Arya stepped from the kitchen into the lounge, looking triumphant. For explanation, she offered, "He ate all the waffles."

Eragon gagged at this and yanked the slipper out of his mouth. "What did you expect?" he protested. "I was hungry! Besides, I was going to make you poffles later! There was no reason to shove a slipper down my throat! You nearly suffocated me!"

He massaged his throat and stormed out of the room with Arya following, yelling, "Eragon, I'm sorry! Come back! I've got to kiss it better!"

Morzan looked at his eldest son and said, "Woman trouble."

He'd forgotten about his lecture.

Murtagh's only thought was: saved by the bell!

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Eragon was hiding behind Saphira in the garden, having avoided Arya all morning because after she'd 'kissed it better', and she had slapped him and insisted on kissing that better too. He had legged it before she could injure him again.

_Saphira!_ He scolded as his blue dragon moved to set fire to a garden gnome that looked remarkably like Orik.

_What?_ She replied, regarding him with unfathomable blue eyes.

Eragon sighed. _I'm trying to hide behind you!_

_Oh, that's what you were doing! I thought you were measuring me so that Arya could gloat that your dragon is bigger than Murtagh's._ She explained, nuzzling the tape measure that Eragon had discarded by a pot plant.

_Well I was doing that too._ He admitted. _But I'm still trying to hide behind you so please, stop looking at me like that; it's very patronising and to conspicuous!_

She ignored him, riffling his hair with her nose. _Little one, I'm your dragon; I'm allowed to be patronising._

_But you're younger that me!_ The blue rider argued.

Saphira hummed. _But my shared memories make me older._

_Stop doing that!_ He told her. _It's too loud!_

_I will do what I want!_ She replied, getting louder.

_I will hide behind Thorn instead! _He threatened.

Saphira gasped. _That's treachery! You wouldn't dare._

_Wouldn't I?_

_You wouldn't!_

_I would!_

_Not!_

_Would!_

_Not!_

_Wou-_

"There you are, Eragon!" Arya exclaimed, grabbing Eragon's arm. "The caravan's here! It's in the front garden and it's HUGE!"

Glaring at Saphira for giving his hiding place away, Eragon allowed himself to be led into the front garden, where a massive caravan was parked. It would house them quite easily. There was plenty of space for Eragon, Arya and the baby, whatever they would call it.

"We need to think of baby names," Eragon announced.

Arya nodded as they reached the caravan's door, where the others of the house, Orik eyeing the caravan dubiously as if wondering if it was clean, which he probably was.

Selena launched herself at Eragon, squeezing all of the air out of him. "My baby's all grown up!" she cried, literally crying into Eragon's hair as she kissed the top of his head. "My baby's moving out!"

"Mum!" he protested. "Mum, I'm not going far; I'm still on site!"

"Her 'baby' is having a baby," Brom commented, "but she didn't feel the need to repeat that."

"Eragon's having a baby?" Galbatorix said through the mouthful of his shirt he was chewing. "I though men couldn't have babies."

Murtagh slapped his forehead. "Arya's having the baby you nitwit!" Angela would've been proud of his choice of word. "But it's Eragon's baby too. And Brom, why are you so mean to my mum?"

"She made me watch Supernanny!" the ex-rider accused.

Murtagh sighed, turning to face Morzan and Orik. Morzan was telling Orik that his surprise for Murtagh would be arriving soon because they had taken so long to assemble at the caravan. Murtagh had just glanced at his watch when a lorry pulled up outside.

Morzan grinned that insane grin again. "Today, Murtagh, I'm combating your addiction to…"

Murtagh was almost shaking with the tension.

"... alcohol!"

Tow things happened at once: Murtagh's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates as he sank to his knees screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

And a guy wound down the window on the lorry, calling, "Oi! Insane rich freak! I got ya booze in the back! Where do ya want it?"

Yep, the Morrison's paramedic guy had got yet another job and Selena was still hanging on to Eragon, oblivious to her elder son's cries of torment. Orik fainted at dirt encasing the lorry while Brom used the distraction to hit Galbatorix on the head with a shoe he plucked from his foot.

It was a catastrophe.

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**AN: Okay, I was over ambitious with my next chapter feature last chapter and I didn't get around to doing anything about ginger heaven. I did get some Durza in there though, for any Durza fans out there. The Brom vs. Galbatorix bit will happen next chapter, I think. I know there wasn't a lot of the Dragons or Orik and Angela in this chapter (in fact, Angela wasn't in it at all) but there will be next chapter.**

**Next chapter: Baby name choosing. What will happen to Murtagh now Morzan's found the right addiction? Will Selena ever let go of Eragon or will Arya move into the caravan without him? Read on and find out!**

**IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!**

**I put these on her because I want people to read them but I need to know that people actually are. Come on people, I need feedback. I like reviews. Reviews make my day (along with alerts and favourites)! I don't mind getting constructive criticism 'cause it improves my writing and I love praise.**

**I need feedback! So please, make all this worthwhile! I will still write the rest of the story for the people who like it but I need to know what you think!**

**Reviews make me write faster!**

**Anyway, THANK YOU to all my fantastic reviewers.**

**AdriaDara****: Thank you! It's a shame about the hormones excuse; it doesn't work on my mum either!**

**Sadie193****: I found your account name! The caravan is in there! Thanks for reviewing and for helping me rid my trousers of that gum. Emily was right; it really can be evil! Oh and the million dollar idea is on its way!**

**Destiny****: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. About my life, it's just laziness mostly but I have got my GCSE science this Thursday, followed by the dentist, then I'm going out. Yeah, Thursday is busy day for me!**

**Please review :-P**


	4. Of Baby Naming and Eagle Distaction Plan

AN: Yeah, I had my science GCSE today so I thought I'd write this 'cause it's fun to write (well, type really but hey, at least I'm doing it

**AN: Yeah, I had my science GCSE today so I thought I'd write this 'cause it's fun to write (well, type really but hey, at least I'm doing it.) I actually planned this one night (I'm not quite all there right now, I'm shattered), I don't quite know which one, when I couldn't sleep. So I thought, why not start writing it now?**

**WARNING: There's a little bit of Murtagh angst at the beginning of this chapter but it does get funnier in the second section. Note: there's NO slash whatsoever in this story.**

_**Disclaimer: I am not CP so I don't own Eragon or Eldest. Be assured that if I ever do own the inheritance trilogy, I will let you know.**_

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Murtagh ran, tears prickling at his eyes, up to his room, which was semi-shared with Eragon. Well, Eragon's stuff really. The excuse for leaving it in his old room was that he didn't want Murtagh to get lonely but Murtagh strongly suspected that he just didn't want Arya to get her mitts on it.

None of them cared.

Murtagh had practically been having a breakdown on the floor and not one of them cared. None of them even asked him what was wrong or patted his back or offered a sympathetic smile.

Eragon had been too busy being strangled by Selena, his own mother, who hadn't even noticed. Arya had been more interested in inspecting her caravan, while Orik had fainted and Morzan thought this was all for his son's benefit anyway. Brom and Galbatorix had been too involved in their own battle, involving shoes and teeth.

No-one cared about him.

He collapsed onto his bed and sobbed, pulling his rusty arrow from its hiding place under his pillow. It had been in the shed where it was hidden by Selena to prevent any suicide attempts by Murtagh.

_Well she's failed!_ he thought.

Thorn responded. _Who has?_

Murtagh ignored him, sobbing furiously and hugging the arrow close to his chest. Oh it was alright now. It was fine when Thorn wanted something but not when Murtagh did. Thorn wasn't there when Murtagh needed him.

Thorn was never there. He wasn't there when Murtagh was slitting his wrists; it had been Eragon who saved him. Thorn wasn't even there earlier; Eragon had saved him from Morzan's lecture. In fact, the red dragon had told him that he wouldn't care if Murtagh died and ignored him.

Perhaps Eragon would care.

Murtagh held the arrow close but did not harm himself with it. Perhaps Eragon would save him this time. Perhaps his brother would come as soon as Selena released him. Murtagh just had to give him time.

He just sobbed and waited, stretched out on the bed, waiting and sobbing, sobbing and waiting until finally, as he was just working up the energy to drive the arrow through his heart, there was a knock at his door.

_Eragon?_

Again, Thorn responded but Murtagh ignored it. _What about him?_

"Go away!" Murtagh called without thinking, marvelling at how feeble his voice sounded.

"Murtagh, can I come in?" It was definitely Eragon.

Hope welled up inside Murtagh at this revelation. Perhaps he did care. Someone cared!

"No." He answered sulkily. As long as someone cared, he wouldn't kill himself. Not just yet.

"Please? Taggy?" Eragon pleaded

Murtagh snapped, "Don't call me that!" If Thorn got wind of that nickname, he might decide to copy it. Even 'mini emo one' was better than 'Taggy'. If that ever got out in the open, Murtagh would die of embarrassment.

"Okay," Eragon replied from the other side of the door, which actually had no lock on it so Eragon could have just walked straight through it. "Murty?"

"Don't call me that either!" Murtagh commanded. Sure, it was better than 'Taggy' but that didn't mean he had to like it. "My name's Murtagh. Mur. Tagh. Murtagh." A muffled sob escaped him. Why couldn't Eragon just come it and comfort him? His life was practically ruined.

"Can I come in please, Murtagh?" Eragon asked.

"Why?" Murtagh questioned.

Eragon took a deep breath – Murtagh could hear it on the other side of the door – and his brother knew he was probably grinning like an idiot.

_Which he is. But he wouldn't be half as great at being a brother if he wasn't._

This time Thorn didn't reply. Great, now his dragon had given up on him too. Eragon did though.

"I'm moving into the caravan with Arya and I need some clean underpants. All the ones I had in Arya's room are in the wash."

Murtagh's hope disappeared; he rolled over, still hugging the arrow, to face the wall, racked with silent sobs. "Come in then," he managed to choke out, feebly.

_He doesn't care. No-one cares. Not one of them gives a toss about me._

Through these thoughts, he heard Eragon closing the door behind him and padding over to the chest of draws. He heard his brother open the draw but it didn't close. Instead, there was a question.

"Murtagh? Are you all right?"

_No. No I'm not._

"Yeah, I'm fine."

_Why do you care anyway?_

"Oh," Eragon replied, quietly as the rummaging noise continued.

For a moment, the rummaging was all that could be hear. Then Eragon called, tentatively, "Murtagh?"

"What?" Murtagh snapped, turning his head to face his brother, his tears, though still flowing hotly down his face, forgotten.

"Are you sure you're all right?" the blue rider enquired, studying the red face of the red rider.

_No!_

"Yes!" Murtagh hissed.

"Murtagh," Eragon informed. "I think you have an eyeball problem; your eyes are leaking all down your face. You should get it checked out; it could be serious. Does it hurt?"

_Yes! I am hurt! And it's partially your fault! Now get out of my room so I can kill myself in peace! You owe me that much!_

"No. Now go away, Eragon."

Eragon walked away but stopped before he could open the door. His eyes widened. "Murtagh!" he revealed. "You haven't got an eyeball problem!"

"Good," Murtagh muttered, stroking his rusty arrow, which was out of Eragon's view.

Eragon continued, oblivious, "You're crying!"

"Yeah, well done, Vrael!" Murtagh responded as he felt a familiar weight settle on his bed and familiar warmth on his back.

"Why are you crying? Is it the alcohol? I know how bad it feels to have Dad burn something you love. You saved me, remember. Or is it because no-one noticed?" Eragon guessed.

Murtagh sat up, grabbed his brother and sobbed into his shoulder. Eragon stiffened, noticing the arrow.

He gasped, "Murtagh! The tetanus!"

"I had my vaccine when I tried to slit my wrists. You saved me then," Murtagh whimpered but he dropped the rusty arrow on the pillow all the same, feeling Eragon relax a little.

"We do care," he explained. "We just didn't know what to do. I'm sorry."

Murtagh sniffled. "Don't be."

_They do care! They care!_

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Arya was eating popcorn on the sofa of her caravan. _Her_ caravan. Hers and Eragon's. She could see the great big pile of bottles and cans of alcohol being unloaded out of her window.

She swallowed a handful of popcorn as the door opened to admit the father of her baby and the baby's uncle. Both were smiling but Murtagh's eyes were red and puffy. Arya closed the curtains in what she hoped was an inconspicuous way.

"I told Murtagh he should come and help us pick some baby names," Eragon explained, sitting down at the table with his brother, facing Arya.

Baby names – they'd had that conversation already but they just could not agree.

"If it's a boy," Eragon began. "Can we call him Cadoc, after my grandfather?"

"That's what you named your horse as well," Arya explained patiently. "I'm not having the baby named after a horse! Besides, when you write it, it looks like paddock and that's another reference to horses. So no. Cadoc is counted out.

"Then we aren't calling it Islanzadí either!" Eragon retorted. "If my relatives' names aren't eligible then your relatives' names aren't either!"

Arya raised her eyebrows. "I didn't mean that," she corrected. "Not all your relatives' names are discounted. The others' might be fine."

Murtagh piped up. "Islanzadí is a girl's name; you can't call him that!"

"Murtagh is boy's name." Arya said, simply, "You aren't a boy but you still pull it off."

"Hey!" Murtagh protested.

"You started it!" Arya replied, sticking her tongue out at him. "Anyway, we don't know if the baby's a boy or a girl yet so we've got to chose names for both genders."

Another knock at the door prevented the banter from continuing. A muffled voice was heard through the plastic, or metal, or whatever caravans were made of.

"Eragon! Arya!"

It was Angela. So she was back. Murtagh wondered fleetingly if Thorn had managed to get his revenge on Solembum. Murtagh doubted it because Thorn wasn't a particularly bright individual and Solembum did possess a fully functional brain. Mind you, Thorn was bigger than Solembum; that had to count for something.

"Come in!" Arya shouted at the door. She needn't have bothered; whatever caravan's were made of, it wasn't very thick.

"I've bought you some presents," the witch explained, poking her head round the door. "Not much, but it's some things for the baby that you won't have to purchase." She sighed. "Purchase. I must be getting old; purchase is more of a posh word than a rarely used one. Anyway, they're in the lounge. See what you've got space for and Brom and Morzan will move it in for you." She glanced at Eragon and Murtagh, whose eyes were still a little red-rimmed. Being a perceptive person, she suggested, "Why don't you and Murtagh go for a constitutional in the woodland? You need to conserve your strength, Eragon. You'll be doing most of the work when the child arrives."

Eragon nodded, sliding the popcorn away from Arya as she got up and followed Angela out of the caravan; he didn't want her to take it with her because she'd already eaten most of their popcorn supply and they had owned the caravan for less than a day. With the popcorn hidden, he followed Murtagh outside, past the pile of alcoholic drinks.

Murtagh swallowed, eyes locking on to it. Eragon was busy just enjoying the experience of not being around Arya and her hormones for a while.

A plan formed in Murtagh's mind. "Hey, Eragon!" he called. "Look at that! An eagle!"

The blue rider immediately turned his attention to the sky. "Where? I don't see an eagle. There! Oh wait… that's a cloud. Where is it, Murtagh?"

But Murtagh wasn't there. Murtagh had legged it as soon as Eragon looked upwards and was now guzzling as much alcohol as he could manage before he got spotted, which was a remarkable amount seeing as Eragon was on his way back to the caravan to look for him and no-one else knew he had been outside in the first place.

It was the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic who found him, while Morzan was busy ushering everyone outside to witness the destruction of the alcohol – or what was left of it. Eragon, by now, had forgotten about the loss of Murtagh. At least until the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic guy, who was sneaking in a quick cigarette behind the alcohol heap on the pretence of dousing the alcohol in petrol, spotted him and yelled.

The cigarette flew out of the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic guy's hand and landed on the pile of alcohol.

It erupted in a violent explosion of heat and flames.

Morzan had forgotten that alcohol was flammable.

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**AN: Okay, I had actually written most of this chapter last Thursday but I was going out and I was almost late (in fact, I did turn up late) so I had to leave it. Anyway, what did you think to this chapter?**

**Next Chapter: What happens with the alcohol fire? Will everyone burn to death? Or just Murtagh? Will Morzan lecture the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic guy about smoking? Did Thorn get his revenge on Solembum? Is the caravan okay? Read on and find out!**

**I just want to say, thanks for the reviews! They make all this seem so much more worthwhile and so much fun. Also, I feel so loved! Please keep it up! It's my exam time so my update hasn't been particularly quick but reviews do make me update quicker so if you've read this then please review it!**

**AdriaDara****: Thank you! I'm glad you liked the chairs bit! It just randomly popped into my head. Gah! I have pins-and-needles in my feet and it's making me type funny! Anyway (I just typed anyay! I think I'm **_**definitely**_** hyper. Who knew pins-and-needles could have that effect?) I know what you mean about the exams. I'm doing the 2****nd**** paper of my science GCSE next week. I will try to update soon!**

**SMARTALIENQT****: Thank you! You'll have to wait a bit longer to know the actual name of the baby. I'm not completely sure what it should be myself yet.**

**xlilypadsx****: Thanks! I'm glad you found it funny! Yeah, I've got no idea how I come with all these warped versions of the characters.**

**Deddy luvs Eragon****: Thanks! You'll see what gender the baby is soon.**

**Sadie193****: Yay! The caravan's been underused but it has a big role to play in the next chapter.**

**StuffRocksInnit****: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! Murtagh was in it quite a lot this chapter. The baby will definitely not have a normal name! …But then again, Eragon's not exactly a normal name!**

**Immortali****: Thank you! I'm glad you found it funny. I'm trying to update quickly.**

**Sukie-san****: Thanks! I'm gonna attempt to update as quickly as possible.**

**Please review :-p**


	5. Of Flames and WellDone Popcorn

AN: I am so sorry

**AN: I am so sorry! I know it's taken me forever to update! I've been really busy touring Scotland, going on holiday to Rhodes and drowning in coursework, but it's still been too long! SORRY!**

**Anyway, I'm updating now and I've ordered the third Inheritance book! Yay! All I can say is that it better be good after I've waited years for it!**

**UPDATE! I now have the new book! It's quite good so far.**

**UPDATE ON THE UPDATE! I have read Brisingr! I think it was great. Yeah, sorry about the extra delay, my internet's been dodgy… SORRY!**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own inheritance. I know it takes me almost as long to update as it does CP, but I'm not him… Or am I?**_

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Smoke stung at his eyes, clogging up his lungs as he took each drawn out breath. He could see the door ahead, taunting him behind the flames. Wild eyes searched for an escape. Was there one?

There was! The window! If he could just bear the intense heat radiating from the flames enough to get close, he would be saved – unless the raging fire got there first of course, but he was a hero, he had to try.

He moved towards the window step by agonising step, choking on the fumes all of the way. A million questions were racing through his mind, which was an achievement considering its size.

_What happened? Why is there fire? Where is everyone? Why are my hands black?_

Finally he was at the window. His last thought as he plunged through the glass and hurtled towards the ground was, _'I hope Arya likes her popcorn well done'_.

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"All right!" Morzan yelled, clapping to get the attention of the panicked mob in the middle of the road, namely his family and lodgers. "Who wants to call the Fire Brigade?"

His ears were immediately assaulted by the cries of "ME!" from Arya, Galbatorix and Brom.

Selena, ever calm, took the mobile phone, coated in while paint from when he had dropped it while repairing the hospital. "I will," she announced, ignoring the others' protests. As she dialled the emergency number, which was actually so often used that it was on speed dial along with the ordering numbers of tall of the major supermarkets, Selena ordered Morzan to take a head count.

"Okay!" Morzan called. "Who's missing?"

Angela the herbalist was the only person to take any notice. "Eragon, Murtagh, Durza, Orik and the delivery man," she replied cheerily.

"How can you be so happy?" Morzan demanded, horrified. "Both of my sons are in there! They could be dead! I lectured them about everything but I never thought of fire! I'm such an awful parent."

Thrusting a handkerchief embroidered into Morzan's hand, the witch said, "I can be as cheerful as I am because I happen to know that Durza is just over marvelling about the appearance of the flames, Orik has passed out in the centre of the tarmac and the Delivery man is also a fireman."

"How do you know that?" Brom questioned, trying to be inconspicuously suspicious. He was failing at that.

The witch eyed him warily, then answered truthfully after noticing Morzan and Selena watching her too. She sighed, "Well, if you must know, I may have slightly overdone some mushrooms I was going to consume."

_Overdone is an understatement._

Morzan jumped; he was not expecting a voice to come from behind him and he certainly was not expecting a singed werecat to jump between his legs to take a place by Angela.

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From deep within the original blaze, the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic guy's mobile phone started to ring, vibrating in his pocket and screaming out the tune to star wars at the top of its virtual lungs.

If he had been able to look at the caller ID or answer it, he would have noticed that it was a call from someone called "Work F". He was being called to one of his many jobs.

The job as a fireman…

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Completely oblivious to the fact that there were missing people and Arya was shrieking Eragon's name almost loud enough to shatter glass, Durza stared at the dancing orange flames. He was enthralled by their colour – orange! So close to his own red!

Durza watched them. Fire was pretty. Durza liked fire. As he watched, he wondered why he hadn't seen it in Ginger Heaven before. He would have to mention it to the Leprechauns when he next saw them.

A particularly interesting thought struck Durza. What if the world where he lived was actually Ginger Heaven and the place he visited in his dreams was just a crude imitation of it or Ginger Hell? Those Leprechauns were always mean to him. It could be…

Sure there were non-ginger people in his new Ginger Heaven but he could live with that. Perhaps that was why the others were so mad; they wanted to be ginger but weren't. That would explain why Brom kept mutilating him with his shoe; he was just jealous of Durza's hair colour.

_And so he should be_, the Shade thought with satisfaction.

His eyes glazed over with love as he gazed into the depths of the fire once more. Maybe if he could just reach out and touch it, he might become a flame so he could dance with the fire. It looked so fun. So beautiful.

"Flame-y flame," he sighed, contentedly, reaching out.

He was so close he could feel the warmth and warmth was close to love. Durza liked love. Durza like fire,

He could almost touch it…

"Durza!" Selena called sharply. "Come away from there at once or I will assign you to the… Caravan naughty wheel!"

With one last look of longing towards the flames, Durza tore himself away. However beautiful they were, he did not want to risk the naughty wheel by touching them.

He grinned evilly. There would always be another time; Selena had to sleep and when she did…

Selena breathed a long sigh of relief as the annoying shade approached only to have it cut short by the screaming of sirens as a large fire engine pulled up outside their house. A burly fireman with a coat of stubble on his face jumped out, stepping forwards to speak to Selena while his crewmates unravelled the hose.

"Do you know if there is anyone still inside ma'am?" he asked in a tone that almost made Selena melt.

"Erm, yes. My sons, Murtagh and Era-" Selena began.

"ERAGON!" Arya shrieked.

Selena inwardly winced at the volume of the elf's cry. She continued, "Yes Eragon and-"

"No," Arya interrupted again, pointing towards a window in the house. "It's Eragon!"

Even as Selena looked, the figure at the window fell, smashing through the window on the descent to the floor. Arya began to run to him but Selena held her back.

"Not in your condition!" She warned as the burly fireman called to an equally burly colleague who raced to Eragon, helping him walk towards the others.

"Anyone else?" The stubbly burly fireman enquired.

Selena nodded, "Yes. The delivery man. He works for Morrison's but according to Angela, he is a fireman too and we know he was a paramedic once too." I just occurred to her that for all the times they'd seen that man, none of them even knew his name. Leaving her to her thoughts, the fireman bounded off towards the flames.

"Eragon!" Arya cried, pulling his charred body into her arms. "I was so worried!" she told him before something else occurred to her. In a lighter tone, she added, "Did you get the popcorn?"

Eragon managed to hoarsely breathe, "Yes" before he coughed, his entire body convulsing in Arya's arms with the force of it. She let him drop to his knees, not knowing quite what to do.

Planting a quick kiss on his blackened forehead, she rushed to Selena; she'd know what to do. Morzan saw this as his cue to approach.

Slapping his son on the back, he said, "Up you get son! You'll be fine! Shake it off!"

Meanwhile, the fire raged with Murtagh and the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic guy fuelling its growth.

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**AN: I'm sorry this has taken me so long but the inspiration to write it has now returned! Yes, I have banished Jimothy (my writer's block) to sit on something I don't need right now.**** Yay!**

**Poor Murtagh. He's a bit jeopardy friendly, isn't he? Anyway, I will not take so long in updating next time, I swear. Tell me what you think.**

**Next Chapter: What is Murtagh's fate? (I know. It's a bit evil leaving you in the lurch about it for two chapters running but yeah…) Did Eragon save the waffles? Is the popcorn still edible? What about Thorn and Saphira? Does anyone care about them? Will Morzan get to lecture his sons about fire? Will the house be habitable?**

**Thanks to all my fantastic reviewers!**

**Sadie193****: Yep, the caravan will be getting a better part soon… It's pretty obvious what I have planned.**

**SMARTALIENQT****: You've got to wait a bit for the baby's name. I'm not quite sure what it's gonna be yet but I have some ideas…**

**Xlilypadsx****: Yep. Sometimes almost fell sorry for Murtagh… Almost being the key word. As for the baby, all will be revealed…**

**AdriaDara****: I hope you liked this chapter – lots of fire! Thorn may well start calling Murtagh that, you never know. Speaking of tangents, my friends are insane too and the scary part is they haven't been diagnosed with anything. Ooky!**

**Sukie-san****: Yay! It's nice to know someone likes Murtagh the way I write him! Yeah, I didn't exactly update soon though… Sorry!**

**StuffRocksInnit****: Yay! Thank you! I'll be sure to check out your stories next time I'm online (I'm running out of internet time typing this).**

**9ud9ir190ne6ad****: Ah, you'll have to read the next chapter to find out… It doesn't look good… we'll see… Thank you! Poor Taggy…**

**Immortali****: Yay! I'm glad you liked the Murtagh angst. I'm not sure about what's happening with the baby yet but I might use your name if it's a girl; it's a legendary name! Arya's father's name was Evandar I think… Something like that anyway. (Gasp!) The horror of the Romeo and Juliet coursework! It was the most boring essay I've ever written. Hopefully I'll get a good grade on it but if not, I'll know why!**

**deddy2die4****: I'll think about your names – thanks for giving them to me! All suggestions are appreciated! If you count Angela then her and Murtagh are drawing for the sanest one in the house, although neither of them is quite sane.**

**Audrey33****: Thank you! Yeah, the Murtagh angst bit wasn't particularly funny, I don't think this one's as funny as the first ones either but it'll start picking up next chapter, I hope.**

**LLAMAS WILL RULE**** THE WORLD****: Yay! I have updated! Are you proud? I'm proud! (and hyper!) Thank you!**

**Wwlego****: Wow! Thank you! I'm actually speechless (in a good way)!**

**Okay, thanks again to the reviewers and if you are reading this please review! Reviews inspire me to write more (and update quicker!)!**

**Click on that little review button in the corner of the screen; you know you want to…**


	6. Of Debts, Magic and Nose Holding

**(The NEWEST AN: I've tampered with this AN (and chapter) so much. For the new AN and the apology of a lifetime, please look at the bottom of this chapter – but the original but tampered with AN still stands. Thanks for sticking with this.)**

**AN: Okay, I'm back and I'm tying (stating the obvious much). I know you've had to wait for ages for an update but Jimothy (my writer's block (yes, I named my writer's block but in my defence, it really does help to name it when you want to curse it)) came to sit on this until I read Nain-san's reviews (nats-stars) then I had some major ideas all jump into my head at once. The truth is, I honestly didn't know if I was going to let Mu****rtagh live until lunchtime today (NEW AN: or a few days ago… (EVEN NEWER AN: Yeah, or ages ago! When I get my hands on Jimothy…)) when this happened:**

**Me: I've got some really good ideas for it but I still don't know if I'm gonna kill off Murtagh yet-**

**Both Sadie and Natalie (aka Sadie193 and nats-stars (or Nain)): NO!**

**Me: What?**

**Natalie: You can't kill Murtagh!**

**Me: Why not?**

**Sadie: 'Cause he's funny.**

**Natalie: And we need our mini emo one! It won't be the same without him!**

**Me: (gives enigmatic grin) Well, we'll see…**

**So yeah, watch this space…**

…**or preferably, move on and read the chapter…**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the Inheritance Cycle, so don't sue me… Please?**_

ChuubChuubChuubChuubChuub

(**AN: Jimothy NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And I was just about to start… My writer's block's just so darn persistent!**)

Islanzadí, queen of the elves, stepped out of her car and took in the horrific scene in front of her.

"Just what is going on here?" she demanded, looking from Selena, who was watching the flames engulfing the house anxiously while Arya spoke to her at a billion miles per hour, to Eragon, who was choking in Morzan's grip as his father instructed him to 'shake it off'.

No-one answered her.

With a sigh, Islanzadí murmured the word in the ancient language that would heal Eragon, following them with the words to put out the fire around the house.

"NOW WHAT IS GOING ON?" she yelled as everyone (including the firemen) stared in surprise at what was the burning house.

The only reply she got was Selena shrieking, "MURTAGH!" and running across the burnt lawn to an equally burnt, blackened lump on the grass, laying next to another lump with a strangely still recognisable Morrison's uniform on.

There was total silence as she ran until…

"Oh dear."

_You're not __helping, Angela,_ Solembum stated from the witch's feet.

Eragon, finally recovering from the shock of regaining the ability to breathe, snapped out of his thoughts, grabbed Arya and sprinted to his mother and brother with Islanzadí close behind him.

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_You owe me twenty burgers,_ Saphira informed Thorn with satisfaction as the two dragons circled the site of calamity.

_What?_ Thorn exclaimed.

Saphira sighed, the motion blowing smoke into Thorn's face. _When we moved in, I bet you twenty burgers that your rider would be first to get burnt to a crisp._

_I don't owe you anything!_ The red dragon insisted.

_Really?_ Saphira teased. _Your mini emo one is looking very _crispy_ right now, don't you think?_

It was true but there was no way Thorn was going to let himself be beaten by a female. He puffed smoke from his nostrils in defiance. _Well, your little one was burnt first! Look at him! His skin is blacker than Shruikan's scales!_

_Yes, I will admit little one needs washing but he's not burnt to a crisp. So pay up!_

_Never!_

_Don't make the bet if you can't pay the price. I expect payment as soon as possible._

_Saphira, do you think we should do something?_

Saphira considered this for a moment, looking down at the panicking people. _Nah, they've got to learn to look after themselves sometime. Now, about your revenge on Solembum…_

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Someone was stroking his hair.

His head was spinning. He was not looking forward to opening his eyes. How much did he drink? He didn't doubt it was any less than the amount of alcohol it took to knock out an elephant. No, there was no doubt in his mind at all about that. The real question was how many elephants could have been knocked out with the amount of alcohol he'd forced down his throat.

Someone was stoking his hair… And his arm… and his chest and his legs and his stomach and his… nose?

_Ha! HA! Suck on _that_, Solembum! I rule! Hey, mini emo one! You're alive! Man, that was some good revenge. You're not a crisp, are you?_

Murtagh, who struggles to keep up with his dragon's high-speed babble answered, _Erm… No?_

A shriek startled him. His eyes snapped open just in time to see Orik hit the grass and to catch Eragon, Arya, Islanzadí, Morzan, Brom and Galbatorix all resting a hand on him.

His first reaction was to twist his arm away from Galbatorix, who was eyeing it hungrily, because, funnily enough, Murtagh was rather fond of his hands and a missing limb from being munched on by a crazy person was probably a major turn-off and Murtagh liked the idea of having a girlfriend. He just never had the heart to introduce anyone into the insanity that was his life even if they didn't take one look at him with his beloved rusty arrow and insane family and run screaming for the hills.

His second reaction, occurring almost immediately after the first, was to ask, "Eragon, why are you holding my nose?"

Even though he didn't sound human due to his brother still holding his nose, Eragon understood and replied, "We used magic to save your life!"

"And it worked!" Arya added.

Islanzadí smirked. "I knew it would. You see, this is why I am queen of Ellesmera, because I am unmoveable at times of crisis."

"And because she's hot!" The Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic and fireman guy quipped while nursing one of his many minor burns. He was more relieved that the magic done by the family of the insane rich freak and the insane rich freak himself had jumped to heal his worst injuries as well than he had ever been in his life.

Naturally, everyone stared.

Silence reigned.

"Eragod, why are you till holdig by dose?"

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**AN (the one the NEWEST AN was talking about): Firstly, I've got apologise. I don't update quickly. It's taken me forever to update this chapter and I'm actually amazed that so many of you still read this – in fact, I'm amazed **_**anyone**_** still reads this. So a big Thank You to all of you who have stuck with this fic.**

**Secondly, and I hope you'll all be pleased to hear this; my English coursework deadline has passed so I'll hopefully have a bit more time to write, also, it's the Christmas holidays, so that gives me even more time to write. Basically, I'm going to update more often and I'm finishing this fic. I will have the next chapter up before (or on) January 3****rd****.**

**Okay, I know this chapter was short but it felt right to end it there.**

**Next Chapter: The family sort out the issue of the ruined house and go… ICE SKATING? They must be insane…**

**Review Replies: I've run out of time to upload this so I'm going to send review replies out tomorrow instead.**

**So thanks for reading this and thank you to everyone who's been kind enough to leave a review, even if they've said they hate my guts.**

**Please review!**

**~ The Purple Rose**


	7. Of Ideas, Ice Skating and Death Glares

**AN: I'm sorry this one's late and I'm actually seriously annoyed with myself for letting be late but Jimothy sat on this. I actually started writing it on the 3****rd**** of January with the intention of posting it on Sadie's birthday and dedicating it to her, but after writing it, I decided that it was too rubbish to post. It was actually the worst chapter I have ever written for this fandom – it was that bad. Sadie would've wondered what she did that was so bad I felt the need to dedicate it to her. So, I've struggled over it for a month and finally, here it is: the seventh and incredibly late chapter!**

_**Disclaimer: As it happens, I'm not CP and therefore do not own the Inheritance Cycle – but I do own the plot, the randomness and a copy of each book that's been released in the cycle. Woot! Go me!**_

_**STILL DEDICATED TO SADIE (Sadie193)! Happy Birthday for ages ago!**_

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Taking in the scene from her seat in a surprisingly comfortable plastic chair, Selena had to admit that perhaps there was no such thing as a good idea anymore. While their house was being made inhabitable, the family and lodger combination had taken up residence in a string of caravans. Selena thought that had been a good idea, since they already owned Eragon and Arya's caravan and Caravans meant they could take a winter holiday. When Selena had spotted the frozen lake, she decided it would be nice to stop in the beautiful place for a while. Nice though it was, that was a fairly neutral idea.

However, Eragon had immediately discovered that he wanted to skate on the ice, which had led to everyone else jumping on the metaphorical band-wagon of ice. Letting them enjoy the ice was not such a great idea, which led Selena to ponder the existence of any idea that was entirely, one hundred percent good since all things they did seemed to have at least one disadvantage.

And to add insult to disadvantage, Selena did not know what Supernanny thought about what to do when the 'little darlings' attempted to eat the ice of a frozen lake. Selena decided that Supernanny really ought to do something about that because watching Galbatorix attempting to eat the ice he was standing on and consequently getting his tongue stuck was not pretty.

"It's fine," Galbatorix attempted to assure Morzan, who had noticed his misfortune and was providing a first-class demonstration of multitasking by lecturing him and pulling on his middle at the same time. Or at least that's what Morzan assumed the mad king was trying to tell him; he didn't think "Ithine" was a real word. He secretly resolved to ask Angela if it was.

"If you try to lick ice, you will get your tongue stuck and if you are alone you will have to stay there and get hypothermia then you will freeze to death and all that will be left of you by the time you are found will be an icicle, which will-"

"It's not a problem," Galbatorix insisted. "I can eat my way free!"

With that, Galbatorix took a bite out of the ice trapping his tongue and stood up, chewing on a large chunk of ice sticking out of the corner of his mouth. He swallowed before skating off after Brom.

Morzan managed to pull himself together enough to finish his lecture by yelling at the back of Galbatorix's gleaming head, "-become a collector's item and be attacked by ice-moths!"

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Lounging in a currently very inappropriately named sun-lounger, Arya had never known pain like this. She clutched the offending area of pain and dragged in a shuddery breath.

"It's really not that funny, you know," Murtagh reminded her from the ice.

Arya tried to keep enough air in her lungs to deal out a witty reply but all the air she got exploded out of her in fits of giggles. As soon as she had achieved enough oxygen to speak, she blurted out the first thing that popped into her head between giggles.

"I need… to… peeeee!"

"I look like I've peed," Murtagh pointed out, gesturing to his nice wet trousers – a souvenir from when he had first stepped onto the ice, been pushed into motion gently (for once) by Arya because he was having a tough time moving then spectacularly slipped over – arms spinning around like windmills and all – and rolled all the way to Arya's feet before he'd finally managed to stand up again by using her leg as leverage.

Ice-skating was not his strong point.

"INCOMING!"

Murtagh turned his head just in time to see the blue rider-turned-blur hurtling towards him in a surprisingly graceful manner before diving head first into the snow at the foot of Arya's sun-lounger. Naturally, Murtagh and Arya were sprayed with snow and Eragon received Evils from Murtagh and a Death Glare that surpassed even the horrors of the most fearsome Evils Eragon had ever administered from Arya.

"Wow," Eragon said cheerily. "Pregnancy hormones sure can be useful!"

"I still need to pee."

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Durza stared down at the ice beneath him sullenly. Ice wasn't his friend. Ice was cold and white like Brom's hair was going, not red and vibrant like Durza's own hair. No, when came down to it, the ice of this temporary home was not as likable of the fire in the home Durza had left behind.

Durza sighed. Would he ever get to see the love of his life again? He wasn't sure; he never got to answer his own question due to being hit on the back of the head with something hard and flat like Brom's shoe. He fell, skidding across the ice.

"Hey, Galby! It's just like golf!" Brom's voice rang out.

So it had been Brom's shoe that hit him in the head, Durza mused. He moved to run but stopped as a jet of flame started to melt some ice a few inches to his left.

_Oops!_

_Thorn, you're an idiot!_ Saphira reminded the big, blundering buffoon of a dragon flying next to her.

_Not so!_ Thorn retorted childishly. _I just got a bit carried away; it doesn't mean I'm stooooopid or anything._

_You just proved my point,_ Saphira stated, amused. _The word is stupid, not stooooopid._

_I was emphasising__ it to prove _my_ point!_

_Sure. Of course you were…_

_I was!_

_Not!_

Durza could only stare as the figures of the two bickering dragons disappeared behind a cloud. There were three reasons for this. The first was that Durza liked to stare at things; it was all he did when he wasn't being annoying or disgusting or getting beaten up by Brom and his shoe (nicknamed 'the Shoe of Ultimate Pain, Horror and DOOM!' or the 'SUPHD!' by Durza). The second was that he'd just noticed that Thorn happened to be red, meaning that the male dragon deserved a free pass to Ginger Heaven as Durza believed he did no matter what LEPRADAS thought. And thirdly, he had only just realised that dragons had the ability to breathe fire.

_Wow! _Durza thought, gawping at the space where Thorn and Saphira had disappeared behind a cloud. _I want one!_

**AN: Again, sorry for the extreme lateness but don't worry, I AM going to finish this fic. I WILL see it through to the end. But reviews do make me update faster (hint hint). Thanks to everyone whose stuck with this fic, not only do you make my day but I'm probably your biggest fan… :)**

**Thank you reviewers! You people are the people who made me want to struggle through my writer's block (Me: (punches palm threateningly) one of these days, Jimothy, I'm smash you so much I'll have writer's shards instead of a writer's block!) to write this chapter and put it up! Thank you!**

**Next chapter: Murtagh's Christmas present comes in handy (adventure holiday ticket-y things), the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic and fireman guy makes his return and Islanzadí embarrasses Arya.**

**Mibs****: Galbatorix may well succeed in consuming Murtagh's arm eventually. As for cannibalism, I wouldn't out it past him; he has enough cannibalistic tendencies for it! Eragon was holding Murtagh's nose because all the magic users had to touch him to heal him and well… Eragon is Eragon; he's not sane in any way, shape or form.**

**If you live in England, you have to be prepared for the fact that it rains. A lot. And whenever it's hot, it feels a lot hotter than it is. England with a tiny bit of heat feels hotter than the temple in Lindos (Rhodes), where it was fifty degrees and I could feel my feet burning inside my pumps. I still love it though. I mean, we have fish 'n' chips!**

**Note: Reviews make my day! Hint…**

**~ThePurpleRose**


	8. Of Air Betrayal, Eloquence and Brains

**AN: Okay, here goes: the next chapter… It's quite late but not that late for me. Anyway, I just want to get this up as quickly as possible so enjoy!**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the inheritance cycle but I do own LEPRADAS, the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic and fireman guy,**__** the two random nurses that appeared in the House of Eragon, the sheer randomness and some of the plot. Basically, if it looks like I don't own it then I probably don't own it! Unfortunately, the typos are all mine…**_

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The cold snap was over. Eragon, shivering so hard his outline was blurry and he looked like a bad television broadcast, had confirmed it when he'd fallen through the ice in the middle of the lake and had been rescued, somewhat reluctantly, by Saphira. He now sat in his and Arya's caravan with a towel wrapped around his shoulders, listening to the conversation of the family meeting called by Selena – not that what was going on in the caravan was conversation.

Murtagh was choking on air because he'd laughed too hard at Durza for walking into a cupboard because the shade had thought it was a door while Brom was taking advantage of the fact that Selena was helping Murtagh and beating Galbatorix with his shoe after the mad king had attempted to eat the sleeve of Brom's coat. Morzan was lecturing Durza for a change and Arya was simply spacing out with her eyes fixed on the tip of Eragon's shivering nose.

She gasped, her eyes locking on to Eragon's.

"What?" Eragon very eloquently enquired.

She grabbed his shoulders, angling his body, now only shivering slightly, towards her. "I just thought of the perfect name!" she announced.

"What?" Eragon, oozing eloquence yet again, asked.

She opened her mouth to answer but closed it, frowning. "No, it's gone. When I remember it I'll let you know."

"Okay," Eragon replied cheerily, turning away from her to watch the fight between Galbatorix and Brom.

"How do you feel about having no head left to be bald, baldy?" Brom quipped, whacking Galbatorix on the head with – yep, you guessed it – his trusty, old, previously the only remaining, shoe.

Galbatorix retorted, "Yes, well how do you feel about not having any feet left to wear shoes… shoe-y?"

Brom scoffed, "Good insult! Because you totally deserve to teach Eragon's kid the art of Evilness."

"I do!" Galbatorix insisted in response to Brom's sarcasm. "Evil laugh! MUAHAHAHA!"

"EVILS!"

"Eragon," Arya said, pulling the blue rider's attention away from the fight.

"What?"

"Our child is doomed," she stated, gesturing to the caravan full of people.

Eragon nodded. "I know. We're the parents."

"Eragon just said something clever!" Murtagh spluttered, finally regaining the ability to breathe.

The whole Caravan froze, staring at Eragon, whose core was certainly stereotypically blonde.

"What?"

Arya buried her face in her hands. "Our child's first word will be 'what' at this rate!" she wailed, earning a funny look from Eragon.

"What's wrong with 'what' as a first word? At least it's original!" he turned to look at everyone else, of whom, no-one was speaking or even moving. Even Morzan had stopped mid-lecture to stare at him and once Morzan got started lecturing, nothing stopped him!

Eragon cleared his throat. "What?" Eragon ignored Arya's groan at his unvaried vocabulary, continuing making his point, "I can be clever! I'm a rider; I'm not thick!"

_You could have fooled me, little one, _Saphira interrupted in Eragon's mind.

"Murtagh's the one who choked on air!" Eragon reminded them, relieved when their attention was diverted to his brother.

Murtagh shrivelled under his father's gaze as Morzan opened his mouth to speak; his lecture sense was tingling. No, 'tingling' was not strong enough to describe what Murtagh's aptly named 'lecture sense' was doing. It was burning, jumping up and down in his head, setting off alarms everywhere it went and shrieking at the top of its mental lungs, "Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Run! Run!"

Of course, it didn't really help Murtagh's case that his recently buried and mourned emo sense was moaning, "Rusty arrow! Rusty Arrow! Rusty arrow!" as it resurrected itself.

"Young man, if you cannot br-" Morzan began.

Murtagh's eye twitched.

Thorn laughed into Murtagh's mind, _he even makes choking a sin, eh mini emo one?_

Murtagh's eyes, one of which was still twitching, narrowed. It was the air. The air, every breath of which, he had treasured since that choking fit he'd had all that time ago, had turned against him.

Murtagh hadn't needed a wife while he'd got the air to savour; there was only so much love he could give and why give it to something with conscious thought that would probably leave him and make him suicidal when he could pour his love into the air, which he'd thought would never let him down, would always be there to keep him alive and breathing comfortably?

Well not anymore. It had betrayed him. It was time for Murtagh to stand up on his own two feet and-

"Mum," Eragon's voice rang out. "I think Murtagh's having a seizure!"

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Islanzadí smiled a smile that was altogether a lot more evil than a smile you would expect from a much loved sovereign belonging to a race as graceful and truthful as the elves. Really, Brom and Galbatorix were deluding themselves and she would probably be a better teacher of the art of Evilness to Eragon and Arya's child. She had, after all, been Arya's teacher of Evilness – not that she called it that. No, to Arya and the elves it was called assertiveness and deemed correct as a lesson to be learned by the young princess.

But she was not here to squabble with Brom and Galbatorix. Her purpose was to meet with the rabble her daughter went about with and pick some of them up in her limousine, take them to an adventure holiday park where they would stay using Murtagh's Christmas gift of tickets for the park and maybe even join in (and win) some of the activities.

"I can't read ya handwriting!" A voice from the driver's seat exclaimed, eyeing the flawlessly beautiful writing on the piece of paper he'd stuck on the dashboard with blu-tack.

Islanzadí sighed. Well, it was wrong for anyone to expect her to driver herself there. "Take a left turn at the next junction," she commanded.

"Right-o!" the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and, now, chauffeur agreed, turning his attention back to the road in front of him. "Ya know, I'm only doin' this job 'cause you're hot."

Islanzadí sighed again. "Yes," she breathed. "I suspected as much."

"… And 'cause wherever the insane rich freak's family are there's loads of dosh for guy with many talents," he added, smirking. "Ya know, this could be fun. I can show ya some of my talents whenever ya want. All ya gotta do is say." He waggled his eyebrows in the wing-mirror.

She shook her head. "None of that will be necessary, thank you."

"Ya know ya can't resist me forever," he told her firmly.

_Of course, whatever helps you crawl out of bed in the morning…_ She thought, immediately thinking how such a thought was not suitable for a queen like herself and could, if you (or one in her case) really thought about it, and twisted it quite a bit, be quite rude.

_Enough speculation!_ She told herself. _Now that is a thought worthy of a queen._

Smiling a small but still incredibly evil smile similar to the one she wore not long ago, Islanzadí's thoughts deviated to the path of her plans for the trip. She planned to do more than just participate in some activities and make herself useful (well, more useful than she already was). There was a reason she had asked the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic guy to become her chauffeur for the trip. And, Vrael, was it going to be fun!

**AN: ****Okay, I'm gonna leave it there for this update. I know not a lot happened in this chapter but next chapter sees the arrival to the park, some activities and the Islanzadí embarrassing Arya. Next chapter gets funnier.**

**I've also decided to update once a month so my writing doesn't slip when I force myself to update earlier and because most of updates are month apart whether I want them to be or not, although I will be early most of the time; this time it's been just under a month. But this is basically so I can say I wasn't ridiculously late in updating.**

**Right, thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! I can't remember whose reviews I've replied to and whose I haven't so I'm sorry if I didn't reply to your review this time around. I think I replied to everyone but I'm not sure.**

**Reviews made my day and any feedback is much appreciated.**

**~ ThePurpleRose**


	9. Of Arrival, Nicknames and Brotherly Love

**AN: Right, I know this is really late (or going to be; I actually write the first Author's Note before I start the cha****pter. I don't know why but I do) but I'm now starting my GCSEs and I'm currently rushing around trying desperately to finish my drama coursework 'cause my final deadline is on Monday and I've got a whole unit of my portfolio to do as well as the end of the first unit. Yes, I procrastinate. Isn't it obvious from my update times? **

**So yeah, the update schedule's going to be pretty erratic until my GCSE's are over 'cause I'll be really busy finishing stuff but when I've just done an exam and have revised for the next one, I get the urge to write something that isn't particularly serious and this fic is pretty high up on my update list. Actually, I think it's highest… it is.**

**ALSO, we have builders in so my computer has had to be relocated into my already jam packed full of stuff bedroom and the internet wire (because we're still on the slowest dial-up connection known to humankind) will not reach so I HAVE NO INTERNET! Hopefully, if I wither away and die before I get the internet back, Sadie will upload this for me along with a note at the end of this chapter or as much of it as I get typed before I kick the metaphorical bucket explaining my death due to internet withdrawal.**

**But anyway, on with the madness!**

_**Disclaimer: I don't **__**own the Inheritance Cycle. I don't want to own Barney. But good news people! I DO own some Easter eggs! … Yum…**_

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"1157 bottles of beer on the wall!"

Murtagh's eye was twitching so violently Durza wondered if he should tell someone about it because he was worried it might explode and even Durza, as into red things as he was, did not relish the thought of being covered in blood and bits of eyeball. But they passed a heap of carrots and he was distracted. It was a good job he was distracted. Eragon and Arya's song recital shifted up a gear.

Eragon started frantically playing air guitar.

"Eragon, Arya?" Selena asked, "Can we please change the song? It sounds like a stuck record and we have already sung from two thousand bottles of beer."

_I wish I had a bottle of beer…_ Murtagh mused. _Or my handy rusty arrow…_

"Okay," Eragon agreed chirpily. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! LEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUT!" Murtagh shrieked, desperately trying to turn the door handle and get out. Finding the door locked, Murtagh vowed to get revenge. It was not a good day to work for a company manufacturing child-proof locks for cars.

Eragon carried on singing, oblivious. "-WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY!"

"We will be!" Arya squealed, throwing herself at Eragon with as much oomph as her seatbelt would allow and latching onto him.

Eragon smiled and kissed the top of her head.

Murtagh's fingers froze in their desperate clawing of the window. His voice died out mid-protest and his eyes swivelled in their sockets to rest on Eragon. His face rearranged itself from an expression of sheer horror to an expression of sheer disbelief.

"Did you just _KISS_ Arya?" He questioned once he'd finished gaping like a fish.

Eragon nodded. "Why?"

Murtagh spluttered, "But you…how do…I…" He turned to Angela, who was occupying the seat behind him. "How can he do that?"

"Pardon? I was counting mushrooms," the witch stated, gesturing to her handbag. Vrael only knew what else she had in there…

"He… How can he be so annoying and childish then go and do that? It's like they're children one minute and an old married couple the next!" Murtagh ranted pathetically.

"Perhaps Eragon is finally getting a sense of responsibility and can act like a responsible adult at times and the lovable cretin we understand at others," Angela explained, pausing briefly to ponder something. "Either that or Eragon's mental age is fluctuating."

"I suspect the latter," Murtagh commented, relieved that the singing had stopped.

"Ooh! I see the sea!"

"Eragon, that's a billboard," Angela pointed out happily.

"Oh."

"Although… It is a billboard saying we're coming into the park we are staying at," she pointed out. Murtagh immediately wished she hadn't.

"WE'RE HERE! WOOOOOOOOO!"

"Have we parked yet? Have we parked yet?

Have we parked? Have we parked?

Have we nearly parked yet? Have we nearly parked yet?

Can I get out? Can I get out?" **(To the tune of Frere Jacques (or however it's spelt) remember.)**

Selena answered calmly while Murtagh contemplated tearing his hair out, deciding that it was just not worth sacrificing his good looks, "No, Durza dear, you can't get out of the car while it's still moving. Supernanny says the result would be bad."

_Supernanny hasn't had to live with Durza,_ Murtagh thought dryly.

Thorn, ever helpful to his rider, commented, _She hasn't had to put up with you either Mini emo one so don't count your chickens._

Saphira, who had probably breathed a bit too much oxygen or flown through the smog created by a power plant added, _because I'll EAT THEM!_

"Mum," Eragon called, forgetting his joy at being close to the adventure holiday park. "I think Saphira's high on life again."

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"Hey, Taggy!"

Murtagh blearily opened one eye, not quite sure whether to bother rolling over to see the owner of the annoying voice that woke him. "One," he grumbled. "Don't call me 'Taggy'. Ever. Two, what do want? Why are you bothering me at six O'clock in the morning?"

He felt a familiar weight settle on the end of his bed. Well, more like dive bomb on to his bed. So Eragon was hyper… Murtagh did not like the thought of that.

"We get breakfast at seven and I thought we could tell ghost stories until we can eat!" Eragon explain, cheerily.

"Eragon," Murtagh sighed, giving into the annoyance and rolling over to face him. "You're supposed to tell ghost stories at night."

"I know that," Eragon scoffed. "But we all fell asleep really early so-"

"No, Eragon. _You_ fell asleep really early and _I_ had to carry you to your room," Murtagh corrected, recalling how Eragon had promptly fallen asleep after the family meal, which okay, was late but still, Eragon was not a child any more, not long after they arrived at the adventure holiday park yesterday.

"You're my big brother," Eragon sniffed. "That's what you're for."

"No."

"And you know you love me so-"

"Not at stupid O'clock in the morning, I don't!" Murtagh snapped, shifting his sleepy form away from Eragon's wide awake one.

"Oh, but you know you do!" Eragon protested. "And anyway, we've got canoeing first today. You've got to have eaten an hour before that and it'll be fun so that means you've got to wake up!"

"Mmmpf," Murtagh managed, waving an arm at his brother in dismissal as he buried his face in his pillow.

"But Taaaaagyyyyyyyyyy!" Eragon whined, shaking his shoulder in the most irritating way possible. If there were a billion ways to shake someone's shoulder and there probably were if you counted all the different speeds of shaking and pauses between each shake, Eragon was sure to have picked the most annoying.

Murtagh growled menacingly. "Out!" he snapped.

Eragon sniffed and muttered, "Fine." Murtagh heard his brother's footsteps recede until the stopped, annoyingly, at where he assumed the door was. "'Tag?"

Murtagh hissed. Yes, it was infinitely better than 'Taggy' but it didn't mean he had to like it. His name consisted of two simple syllables; why couldn't Eragon get it right?

"You just admitted you love me," he said proudly.

Murtagh sighed, "Where did you get that idea? All I said was 'Out!'"

Eragon grinned, "I told you you loved me and you said, 'Not at stupid O'clock in the morning, I don't,' which means that you do love me at any other time of the day. You're the best brother ever!"

With that, Eragon skipped out of the room babbling something about breakfast and waffles in his hyperness. Murtagh didn't have the heart to tell him that actually, all he had said was that he didn't love his brother early in the morning and that that didn't mean he loved him at any other time of the day.

_Ah well,_ Murtagh thought. _I might as well go and get breakfast. I'm awake now._

He dragged himself out from under the snugly duvet the adventure holiday place had provided, dressed and left the chalet he shared with Eragon in record time and made it to Selena, Morzan, Angela and Islanzadí's chalet without bumping into anyone else to catch the tail end of a conversation Eragon was having with their parents, Arya's mum, Arya and Islanzadí. Well, Eragon was babbling at a speed Murtagh did not enjoy deciphering this early in the morning and everyone else was listening but since when was anything normal in their family?

"-and Taggy was mean to me but it doesn't matter 'cause I know he loves me really 'cause he said-"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

Angela, who was standing in the doorway to her room in a dressing gown embroidered with the words 'Antidisestablishmentarianism! Now that's a rarely used word!' chuckled. "Taggy? Aww! How adorable!"

Murtagh's face was burning.

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**AN: This is Sadie. I'm sorry to inform you that the internet deprivation proved too much for ThePurpleRose. This will be the end of-**

**Just kidding! I lived! Woot! Go me! Now, before you all start flaming me for taking so long to update, I do actually have some bad news for you. Well, some good news and bad news. The good news is that my GCSEs are finally over so I haven't got any work to worry about and SHOULD have more free time, AND I've got BROADBAND now! I've just been basking in the wonder that is not having to wait forever for to load and actually being able to watch videos and look at pictures.**

**The bad news is that while all that is true, we've still got builders in the house my computer time is extremely limited and my room looks – well, let's just say that I've been told that my room is quite big (by my parents) and that I should have quite a lot of floor space. I have, while my room was a bit (understatement!) cleaner, managed to fit an airbed meant for two people on the floor beside my bed. I now have a path around my bed and that's it 'cause not only have I got my stuff cluttering my room up, I've got everyone else's stuff in here too. I've even sacrificed my writing and drawing space ('cause I work on the floor) and have been doing that in the tiny path around my bed.**

**But don't worry 'cause I've been writing this fic in a red notebook and had written out the rest of this chapter in there. I bet you're wondering why it's not on here with the first bit. It's simple, in the clutter, I have lost the notebook. And I'm not writing it out again 'cause I know it'll be worse that the original 'cause I'll be bored re-writing it completely. I don't think I'll be able to find it (believe me, I've tried!) until the builders leave and I can look more carefully.**

**So, you have a decision to make. I feel really guilty for losing the notebook 'cause it's not just this chapter I lost; I worked on the next chapter too. So, my question is this: **_**Would you rather wait until I find the notebook for an update or would you prefer it if I wrote an 'interlude' chapter to fill the gap?**_** If I do an interlude, it will be up much quicker 'cause I feel guilty so I'll start on it right away and it'll be up before a month goes by.**

**In the rest of this chapter, which I'll now have to post on its own: the group meet Chris, their personal instructor and guide and the activity is canoeing. Arya gets embarrassed by Islanzadí.**

**Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers and anyone who still cares enough to actually read this and review. I'm sorry! I've had a hell of time since I last updated and not in just a good way…And I'm actually shattered… Phew…**

**Please review; you'll make my day and I really need feedback.**

**P.S. I've planned out the end to this fic (the middle's still variable but…) and it will have a sequel. It may be in the form of an epilogue at the end of this or a short sequel. It depends on how popular this fic is. The more popular it is, the longer it'll be. Although, I could probably make the sequel stand on its own if need be… I'm not sure yet...**

**Wow, that was one long AN!**

**~ThePurpleRose**


	10. Of Snippets of Interludes

**AN: Right! (claps hands, full of purpose!) Okay, people. I have written the interlude (because that was the popular vote) but after writing it, I decided that I wanted to fit it into the actual story, in order. Sooo, seeing as there is no notebook in sight, I'm going to re-write the adventure holiday arc's missing chapter and post that.**

**I should have more muse this time around 'cause I go off to Camp with my old Guide unit and I can still vaguely remember what I wrote so it should be better than it originally was and hopefully worth the wait.**

**When I get back, I'm going on a mad writing spree to get some more chapters up for you amazing people who still read this story because I don't feel I've made up for my lack of updates yet. However, since the interlude is actually completely finished and has been for quite a while 'cause I wasn't sure whether I should post it, it'll mean a shorter wait for another update 'cause it's one less I'll have to write.**

**But I couldn't leave you all hanging so I'm giving you a snippet of the interlude to entertain you while I'm away!**

**The interlude and this snippet is d****edicated to Sadie193 for reading two fics I wasn't sure about putting online and for being an immense friend… and for giving Malteasers for my birthday, which was July 17****th****. **

_**Disclaimer**__**: I don't own the Inheritance Series but I do own the randomness of the plot. Does that keep you legal eagles happy?**_

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Murtagh had never been known for his patience. No, there were some good reasons why Murtagh was known primarily for his emo tendencies. At the moment, Murtagh's eyes could spot two of these reasons.

"Look Murtagh! Ice cream!" Eragon exclaimed, pointing at the ice cream and everything.

Heck, Murtagh was attached to the two reasons.

"Eragon!" We've got more important things to do than eat ice cream!" Arya snapped, tightening her hold on Murtagh's wrist painfully.

That's right; they were out shopping for things for the baby. Murtagh could understand that; the poor kid at least deserved clothes and a nice place to sleep as consolation for having such _interesting_ parents. What Murtagh did not understand was why he has to be there.

"Eragon sighed. "Fine," he muttered, dropping Murtagh's arm, grabbed in the sudden ice cream enthusiasm, and his own to his sides.

"Let's get baby clothes next!" Arya declared, still not relinquishing her hold on Murtagh's wrist as she powered towards the shop towing him along. At this rate, she'd ruin his poor wrist before his precious rusty arrow even had the chance.

Eragon seemed to perk up as soon as they were through the automatic doors because before Murtagh really knew what was happening, Eragon had shot off one way and Arya had waddled the other so he was left feeling incredibly awkward in the middle of the aisle in a children's clothing store all alone.

**AN: To be continued… Eventually… Watch out for the rest of the adventure holiday arc****… Coming soon…**

**(Hint) Reviews will make it come sooner…. (Hint)**

**Thanks to all readers who are still reading this (and new readers. I hope there are still new readers coming into this madness…) and of course, my legendary reviewers! You people are the best! Thank you!**

**~ThePurpleRose**


	11. Of Kayaking and the Battle of the Paddle

**AN: Okay, I am re-writing this from scratch so please stick with it if some parts of this chapter seem a little forced, rushed or odd for me to be writing 'cause some of this is coming from memory. Actually, if anyone can guess which parts of this chapter are from what I can remember of the chapter I originally wrote, I will write a one-shot and whoever guesses it first gets to choose the topic. It can be ****anything excluding citrus fruit and for any fandom I know the general gist of – for those, see my profile.**

**Note: After I wrote this AN and chapter, I found the notebook, but I didn't change it (the first draft sucked anyway), so I know the exact phrases that came from memory. Good luck!**

**I know this chapter has taken a long time to get out but it's not easy writing a chapter you've already written before and trying to make it sound good.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the Inheritance Trilogy.**_

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For once in Murtagh's life, he was not in self-destruct, also known as emo mode, mode; he was in Eragon-destruct mode. Never before had he wanted to strangle his silly younger brother as much as he wanted to as they walked down to where the kayaks (**AN: I discovered at camp that what I thought was a canoe is actually a kayak, and the ones that don't have the holes for you to sit in that goes by your knees is a canoe… Confusing, I know.**) were waiting for them.

"So, _Taggy_," Angela began in a hushed voice by Murtagh's ear. "Reluctant to kayak?"

Thankfully, he was saved from any more possible torture at the whim of Angela by Eragon, who had put him in this mess in the first place, catching sight of the river and promptly getting over-excited at the prospect of actually being on it in a kayak.

"Yay! Kayaking!" he cheered.

"Kayaking?" Arya echoed in disbelief.

"Kayaking," Eragon confirmed, full of purpose.

"Are those clean?" Selena enquired.

"Look! There's one with a fire pattern!"

"Fire? Where?"

"I'm a fireman! Lemme at it! I'll quench those flames for ya, Izzy!"

"My name is Islanzadí."

"Ooh, the jackets are orange."

"Yes, positively fluorescent. I do love that word – not just bright but fluorescent. Lovely. I find-"

"QUIET!" Morzan yelled over the din.

Selena coughed delicately before scolding, "Morzan, Supernanny says you shouldn't shout at children."

"'Alf of them are bloomin' adults, love!" the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and chauffeur guy corrected.

Islanzadí massaged her forehead. "Why are you still here? I only employed you to drive us here."

Naturally, this discussion dissolved into yet another jumble of unintelligible noises. Morzan included in this one because he happened to have noticed that Murtagh's shoelace was undone and, well, how can anyone not know that if you leave you shoelaces undone, you will trip over them and, to cut a long lecture short, _die_?

This could have continued forever – or just until everyone got hungry and wandered off – but they were interrupted by a tall man in his early twenties with quite long, messed up hair that had been bleached blonde by the sun and a name tag with a little guy on a surf board next to the name 'Chris'.

"Hi! My name's Chris and I'm going to be your instructor for today!" Chris introduced himself, smiling as though he wasn't too sure that what he'd said was right. He was new to the park and had only been there for a week. It was going to be a long day for Chris…

"Hi Chris!" Eragon greeted with much enthusiasm. Well, much was an understatement; the blue rider's waving was so embarrassing in its cheerfulness that Murtagh had immediately hidden his face in his hands in the hope that if he couldn't see his brother looking like a total moron then it wasn't really happening. He had also resolved to find out exactly who had dropped his little brother on his head when he was a child.

_It was probably you, mini emo one,_ thorn, very helpfully suggested. _And karma's getting you back for it!_

Murtagh scowled; why was his life so… unnatural?

_Because, mini emo one, you are mini and emo, so life will always be full of angst and mental trauma for you,_ Thorn concluded.

Murtagh's scowl grew deeper and with it, the number of thoughts involving rusty arrows and his wrists decreased and the number of thoughts involving the rusty arrow being brandished against Thorn increased. Among the jumble of blood and gore there was even a thought about slaying Thorn and replacing him with the rusty arrow that miraculously grew to the size of a broomstick before flying off into the sunset wearing a witch's hat with cat ears. Wait a minute, why was he wearing a witch's hat?

_You need a psychiatrist, mini emo one,_ Thorn commented.

_Shut up!_ Murtagh thought in return, with enough venom and force to knock out a whole elephant. It was a shame Thorn was a dragon – and a particularly dense one at that – whose idea of helping was actually just sheer irritation.

_Don't shoot the messenger,_ the dragon muttered, shutting Murtagh out, probably to lament his failure at being a decent mental-agony-uncle, to Saphira.

Chris clapped his hands. "Okay guys, first you all need to line up and get a paddle." He looked nervous and a little traumatised already.

After much squabbling, confusion and Selena's Supernanny approved methods of enforcing order, everyone had been presented a paddle by Chris and were all now standing around in a space more sedately than had ever been recorded.

"Okay, that's great guys," Chris praised, sporting a slight rabbit-in-the-headlights look. "Now what we're gonna do is this. We're all gonna put our hands so that there's a hand on each side of the paddle in the silver bits, and when you're in the water, you don't want to move your hands off the silver bits or it'll be harder to paddle. Now, this is how you paddle. I want you all to copy me and I want to see you all joining in and getting it right, no matter how much of a Wally you look" he added for Islanzadí's sake.

Islanzadí was staring at her paddle as if it was the stick that had be shoved up her behind shortly after becoming queen and had continued to make the occasional appearance back up there even after her dear departed husband had asked her if he really smelt that awful what with the look on her face.

The Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and chauffeur guy nudged her with his paddle. She replied with a filthy look but after he waggled his eyebrows at her, she settled for just making the paddling motion much more gracefully than he could ever dream of making it.

A little to the right, Brom and Galbatorix had deliberately not left enough space between them to successfully copy Chris and were engaged in a fierce paddle battle, which only stopped after both discarded their paddles in favour of fists, teeth and shoes and Brom's paddle hit the back of Selena's shoe, prompting her to give the traditional Supernanny warning that if they continued, they would be facing the naughty trees. Eragon was still being overly enthusiastic, much to Murtagh's distaste.

"You can stop now, guys," Chris told them, putting an end to the paddle-related silliness. Brom managed to get in another sneaky whack to the bald skull next to him before Chris continued, "Now, I want you all to go and get in a kayak."

Murtagh, distracted by Eragon's loud shout of, "Yay!" said the first thing that popped into his skull, "Isn't Arya too fat to get in there?"

Arya's green eyes bulged before settling into a comfortable position of extreme pregnancy Evils. Brom issued a noise of appreciation as Morzan and the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and chauffeur guy lunged forwards to restrain the elf, who, after a lot of hissing, spitting and insults that actually made Murtagh wince, flounced back to her chalet.

"Soo," said Chris, who was really beginning to wish he hadn't taken this job now. "Let's get these kayaks in the water!"

To make his point, he gave Durza's kayak a shove and watched as it took to the water with only a tiny splash. Durza was too besotted with his fire-patterned kayak to even notice. If he squinted, it _almost_ looked like it was actually on fire. Durza liked fire…

"Where are you going, Eragon?" Angela enquired, spotting Eragon silently leaving his kayak. She wasn't in a kayak because, along with Selena, she had been appointed the position of embarrassing-photograph-taker (EPT for short but Angela enjoyed big words and it made her seem more professional).

"To find Arya," the blue rider replied.

Angela smiled. "I'll find her. Let me talk to her, and we'll meet you at the abseiling tower."

Eragon reluctantly climbed back into his kayak in time for Chris to give him a push as Angela dumped her camera on Selena and disappeared up the path. He sighed; it seemed there was more to being a soon-to-be father than those books he'd got out of the library had told him.

"Oi! If you splash your father, Murtagh, you will be grounded for the rest of your life and you may be forgotten about and _die_ of old age before you ever get to see the light of day again!"

"SUPERNANNY SAYS NOT TO SHOUT AT CHILDREN!" Selena called from the bank, where Chris was now climbing into a more professional kayak of his own.

She was ignored and promptly distracted by Durza getting tangled in reeds and Brom and Galbatorix playing bumper-cars and seeing who could ram the other out of their kayak first. It was a draw as both kayaks eventually filled with so much water that they sank and their enraged pilots were forced to launch themselves out of the kayak and settle the competition with only paddles as weapons.

Chris, preoccupied with freeing Durza, didn't notice until Brom's upside down kayak floated under the reeds and knocked Durza back into clear water, forcing Chris to do a quick head-count to see who had capsized without shouting the traditional warning of 'Man overboard!' or the plain and simple, 'Capsize!' or the unimaginative but effective, 'Help!' or even 'Aaaaaaargh!' as many beginners capsizing their kayaks were prone to letting out.

After discovering that Eragon and Murtagh were finally getting in some brotherly bonding time in a race that had gone a little bit too far, as in both were just blobs of colour in the otherwise dull water, Chris ignored Brom and Galbatorix – their fight was going on in the shallows anyway – and set off after the dragon riders, fervently hoping that Durza wouldn't get stuck again and that Selena would intervene in Brom and Galbatorix' battle of the paddles before the one with the lecturing problem came out from under the willow tree and swam over to add to the carnage with a verbal weapon.

Eight wet bums, seven crude attempts at romance, six races, five lectures, four capsizes, three reeds up Durza's right nostril, two broken paddles and one very annoyed Islanzadí later, kayaking was over, everyone was dry and Chris was mentally composing his will for if he actually got out of this job with his sanity intact. He was never going to take life lightly again.

He was going to be their instructor for abseiling too.

**AN: Okay, there it is. There will be a tiny bit of the adventure holiday in the next chapter but after that it's on with the actual plot. I'm sorry everyone, I originally planned for the adventure holiday park section to be longer but my muse ran out on me for this topic. I put it off so I could write more but it's just not happening so I'll move on.**

**I'm now at sixth form and the workload is pretty intense. I suppose it doesn't really help that I'm really not getting enough sleep at the moment. But I'm pretty busy, and October is going to be even busier, but I'll try to, in fact, I'll probably squeeze out an update for you. Just don't expect an update in November 'cause I'll be doing NaNoWriMo, which is basically writing a book, 50,000 words, in a month so I'm gonna be busy. Wish me luck; you know what I'm like with updating!**

**Next Chapter: Murtagh makes the biggest error of his life, Arya goes mental and the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and chauffeur guy's name is revealed!**

**I know what I'm gonna write for this one so it'll be quicker to get on FFnet. (I hope)**

**Thanks to everyone who's sticking with fic and all my wonderful reviewers in general. You make my day! We've hit, and passed, the 100 reviews mark!**

**If you've read this, please review 'cause reviews really do make my day.**

**~ThePurpleRose**


	12. Of Beatings and BreakUps

**AN: Nanowrimo went well. Success! But during the challenge, my computer went down and I lost Microsoft word and all my documents were put onto this really rubbish writing pad program which I hated and found quite difficult to use. Sorry if this chapter feels a little bitty; it has a flashback in it, and I wrote some of it by had after I got hacked off with the other writing program and typed it up on my new laptop.**

**I have also read The House of Eragon and spotted a few mistakes and cases of long capitalised words being taken out of sentences so I will be going back and sorting those out – and after I watched the Eragon film again and got quite annoyed with the extreme lack of screen time Murtagh gets, and flicked through Eragon the book, I'm now more motivated with this story. And I feel guilty so I'm aiming for much quicker updates.**

**And the already written chapter I took the interlude from will be coming up soon so you can look forward to a quicker update there. Sorry it's been so long. (Is extremely guilty).**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the inheritance cycle but I do own the randomness and the plot – what little of it this story has…**_

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Murtagh groaned, hoping to glean a little sympathy out of the pretty nurse. He was not successful; she just walked right by him with the jug of water for the patient in the bed nearest to the window in the opposite row.

Why did he have to open his big mouth again?

_Because, mini emo one, you are an idiot. Your father is an idiot, your brother is an idiot and even your mother is a bit weird; you were doomed from birth._

_Gee, thanks Thorn…_ Murtagh replied sulkily. His dragon was never any help and was always quite happy to ridicule him and delight in his misery. Fine, maybe that was taking it a little too far-

_And a little too emo,_ Thorn interrupted.

_But this is exactly what I mean!_ Murtagh finished, actually addressing his thoughts to the thing that triggered them. _You're just so ANNOYING! I don't want to hear your irritating little voice anymore! It is over between us, Thorn. I am finding myself a new, less annoying dragon!_

_Fine!_ Thorn snapped mentally at the fuming Murtagh. _I don't need you! I don't want an emo drama queen for a rider anyway!_

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Back at the place the neighbours had come to know as the house of crazy, Arya was also a tiny bit miffed… Or perhaps miffed was not the correct term. Replace the 'miffed' with 'furious' and the 'tiny bit' with 'very' and the result would be getting closer to what Arya was at that moment in time.

She couldn't understand why people would make comments like that; was it not obvious that she was pregnant, not fat? She had no neck flab so she couldn't just be fat. Or did she? Oh no, she could have bingo wings too!

No, she wasn't fat. She knew she wasn't because she was an elf and she was able to choose her appearance. Angela, who had been watching the elf from her vantage point in the opposite armchair, sighed; that was one internal crisis over, now there would be another one to go when the elf finally realised what she'd done to Murtagh.

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The next activity of the day had been called 'Aerial Runway', and had basically been a big zip-wire. The instructor was a nice woman called Liz, who wore green rimmed glasses, and the activity, Selena thought, had gone reasonably well; she'd even left with the same number fools she had arrived with, and had confirmed this with a Supernanny approved head-count.

Galbatorix hadn't eaten any of the equipment (he had eaten some tree bark and mud but considering the items the mad king usually put away, no-one thought it was really note-worthy), Murtagh had complained the safety harness was crushing and therefore ruining certain important parts of his anatomy though it was obvious he was enjoying the aerial runway, and after Eragon had sung 'I Believe I Can Fly' as he launched himself off the platform and down the runway, Durza had managed to convince himself he could fly too – without the harness or the zip-wire.

Thankfully, that old saying 'where there's no sense, there's no feeling' was true for once and Durza managed to land in a bush and was fine. It was a bit of an ordeal but still, compared that morning's kayak related drama, it went quite well; at least Liz got to leave with her sanity (and her glasses) intact, which couldn't be said for Chris, who was currently wondering if he'd make it through the day alive as he demonstrated and explained the art of putting on a safety harness.

Everyone was gathered around the abseiling tower watching him and copying his actions. Murtagh glared at the inappropriately placed straps on his safety harness as he followed Chris' instructions and successfully fastened the harness securely. Those were so going to cause him pain later.

To make himself feel better, he did the one thing he was sure would entertain him through the task of abseiling, which was something Murtagh had actually already done countless times with only a rope around his waist but had been forced into by a very excited Eragon, who was far too good at puppy dog eyes for someone his age.

He turned to where Arya and Selena were sitting on one of the benches provided for those who wanted to watch people abseil, egg them on or chant "Fall! Fall! Fall!" and hope they would take those words into account and provide some proper entertainment.

"Hey Arya," he called. "It's lucky you're not abseiling; even if these harnesses did stretch enough to fit you in them, that rope would never hold."

In her defence, Selena did try to restrain the future mother of her grandchild. Unfortunately for Murtagh, she didn't succeed, and everyone else – with the exception of Morzan, who had immediately launched into a lecture none of the others were listening to, and Chris, who was frozen in a mixture of disbelief and horror – was too busy laughing at his misfortune and stupidity to do anything.

The result was a lot of pain, a suspected concussion, a trip to A & E and the end of a holiday that was, if everyone was honest, doomed from the start.

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Murtagh moped around the house, carefully avoiding any rooms he thought Arya might be in. While in the hospital, he'd been diagnosed with a two cracked ribs, a mild concussion and a lot of bruises and he was definitely not doing _that_ again; the pretty nurse hadn't even given him a second look.

Thankfully, as soon as he'd been given the all-clear to leave, he had been healed by a harassed looking Islanzadí, who had still not managed to get rid of the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and chauffeur guy.

Murtagh sighed, noting the silence in his mind after his argument with Thorn, and padding into the kitchen, where Islanzadí was hiding from the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and chauffeur guy with a mug of coffee between her hands.

Murtagh took a bar of dark chocolate from the cupboard and put the kettle on for a hot chocolate. He was in a chocolate-y mood for some reason, though he couldn't quite explain why. He blamed his new found talent for saying all the wrong things and subsequent need to avoid the hormonal, pregnant elf.

He had just selected a mug, a large, maroon one, and was deciding which type of hot chocolate he wanted, when he and Islanzadí were joined by the one person Islanzadí was trying to avoid. She had chosen to stake out the kitchen because everyone knew queens were too special to cook but apparently the Morrison's alcohol delivering paramedic, fireman and chauffeur guy didn't know that because she had only been sitting there for ten minutes.

But a brief respite was a respite nonetheless. Islanzadí huffed as he pulled up the chair across from her; when would he get the hint that she was a queen and he was therefore beneath her and really a waste of her time even looking at? She hoped it was soon.

He smiled, not his usual 'Thinkin' you're hot, Izzy' smile but a serious, slightly disappointed smile, a new smile that gave Islanzadí some much needed hope that he was going to be a gentleman and leave her alone.

He slid a business card over the table to her and said, "Gotta leave ya, Izzy. Ya know, duty calls an' all that. Tell insane rich freak an' 'is lot I'll see 'im again soon. There's me card, ask for Andy Mann."

"Andy?" Murtagh echoed in disbelief, dropping three sachets of hot chocolate on the counter and two on the floor. "Is that your name? Or are you just handyman?"

Islanzadí looked down at the business card he'd given her as he nodded to Murtagh enigmatically. It said;

_Bertha's Diverse Business_

_Handymen and workers for all occasions and most professions_

_They won't even steal your valuables._

_Call..._

Islanzadí squashed the urge to bestow upon the card a small smile at the typical text and very small number...

... So he was more common than she'd thought.

He left the house with a final shout of, "See ya, Izzy!"

Islanzadí merely sighed, poured the coffee she didn't want down the drain and left in search of her daughter so she could say goodbye before she calling Oromis and arranging a ride back to Ellesmera on Glaedr.

"Oh. Are you making hot chocolate?" Eragon enquired, suddenly appearing behind Murtagh and making the red rider jump. "Is there enough water in the kettle for two?"

Murtagh grunted in response.

Eragon, having delighted in spending time with his big brother for a lot longer than he cared to count up, correctly interpreted this and selected his own (smaller and bluer) mug and some vanilla flavoured hot chocolate and put it in his mug.

"So," he said as the pair waited for the kettle to boil. "Wanna go play in the snow with me later?"

Murtagh quirked an eyebrow. "Oh, it's been snowing?" he answered, flatly.

"Uh huh," Eragon replied, pouring the hot water and some milk into both his and Murtagh's mugs at a speed and with accuracy that was alarming. He pushed the maroon mug into the shocked rider's hands and Murtagh complied, tightening his grip so it wouldn't smash; Orik, if he dropped by (He'd gone back to the dwarves because, though he'd left due to the dirt, he couldn't stand the horrors of Selena's household), would have a fit if he did drop it.

Both riders seated themselves at the kitchen table and sipped at their drinks. Well, Murtagh stared into his, wearing an expression of pure concentration, and Eragon started to practically inhale his before realising it was hot and jumping up to drink cold water from the tap, but after that particular incident, he'd sat back down, silence had reigned, and a thoughtful Murtagh had broken the peace before Selena could find out and insist on some proper family bonding time to celebrate.

"I need a new dragon," he'd said, deciding to let the younger brother whose insanity had kept his emo tendencies at bay – well, the more health ruining ones – most of the time.

"I heard about you and Thorn," Eragon nodded, looking strangely serious for once.

Murtagh immediately reached out to Thorn to note that Eragon was choosing to act his age when he felt like it and Angela's mental age fluctuation theory had been disproved, but shrank back into his own lonely mind when he remembered he and Thorn had broken up.

"I wasn't working out," Murtagh stated.

Eragon offered a small, sympathetic smile. "He'll-"

Morzan, who had been listening from behind the door, flung the door open and puffed out his chest in pride. He pulled out a chair and sat, regarding both riders happily.

"My Murtagh having woman trouble," he said to himself as if he could hardly believe it. "I have dreamed of this day for so long now," he shared, standing up for dramatic effect. "It is now time for me to share my knowledge of the opposite sex to you, my sons."

Looking absolutely ecstatic, he grasped Murtagh's shoulders and pulled his son, who looked completely horrified, into a tight, manly hug. "I was so sure..." he breathed, "But I am so glad you're not gay!"

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**AN: I'd just like to point out, in case anyone jumps to conclusions; I am NOT homophobic in any way. At all. I don't want to offend anyone. That's just the way I thought Morzan would react.**

**For update info, see the AN at the start of this chapter.**

**Next Chapter: Morzan's relationship advice, more on Thorn and Murtagh's 'break up'; will Eragon and Murtagh ever get to play in the snow? And what has everyone else been doing? They've been disturbingly quiet this chapter...**

**Extreme thanks to every person who is sticking with this fic and everyone who has and will review. You seriously make my day.**

**Luckily, my exams (AS Maths and Biology) are over, but I am still doing a production of the Sound of Music. Still, after watching the film, my muse is backing this fic a bit more so yeah, quicker updates all round, I hope...**


	13. Of Stalkers and Champion's Eyebrows

**AN: Yet again, it has taken me ages to update. Sorry. It's actually taken me so long I'd forgotten the plot of the last chapter... And I'm only ever on the computer later on, so yeah... I hope there aren't **_**too**_** many typos...**

_**Disclaimer: I now own the French version of Eragon but despite how much of a procrastinator I am and how long it takes CP to write a book, I'm not CP and I don't own the Inheritance Cycle.**_

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"WHAT!" Murtagh half-yelped-half-choked, leaping out of Morzan's hug as if he'd been stung, and sending Selena's carefully chosen kitchen chair crashing to the floor.

"I knew you'd be pleased!" Morzan beamed, settling back in his seat. "With my advice, you will never have woman trouble again."

"I AM NOT GAY!" Murtagh protested, his face now redder than Thorn's scales.

"Positively not," Angela commented with a knowing smile as she pressed the top button on Selena's camera to document Murtagh's horrified/incredulous/embarrassed expression forever – or just until Galbatorix eats the camera.

"Murtagh," Morzan announced proudly, the grin now seriously beginning to scare his sons, "is not gay, Angela. My Murtagh is having woman trouble. My Murtagh, with a woman..." he trailed off, shaking his head in disbelief again before breaking out in an even wider grin. "Isn't it wonderful?"

"Absolutely," Angela replied, unconvinced, moving over to the container that held leftover chicken and mushroom pizza and taking a slice.

Morzan turned to Murtagh and Eragon. "I must tell your mother," he told them, excitedly.

Murtagh reached out to Thorn to inform the dragon that Morzan was where Eragon got it from, recoiling with a pang of regret as soon as his consciousness touched the red dragon's.

"SELENA!" Morzan shouted though the open door once Angela had passed through it. "I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING-"

"Indoor voice, please, dear," Selena chastised, appearing serenely in the doorway.

"-news!" Morzan finished, more quietly as his wife brushed past him and stood between her sons expectantly. "Our Murtagh is not a gay man," he beamed. "Our Murtagh is having woman trouble!" He paused, wiping a tear of happiness from his eye because Real Men, in his opinion, did not cry. "I've never been so proud of him," he breathed.

Selena smiled, wiping a strand of hair out of Murtagh's eyes as her eldest son was torn between silently seething and quietly wishing for his dearly beloved rusty arrow. "Aw, Honey, I'm sure it'll get better soon," she soothed. "After all, what girl could resist a polite, handsome young man like you?"

Murtagh's face returned to a previously undiscovered hue of red that was so bright and shiny that Eragon was already secretly calling it 'Taggy' in his honour. Both had almost forgotten how embarrassing it could be when Selena acted like a regular (yet old fashioned) mother.

"I must tell everyone!" Morzan realised. "I'll call everyone and we can have a party to celebrate!"

"Let's not," Murtagh growled, his face going even redder with slight purple undertones. Eragon was calling this colour 'Ultra-epic Tag-meister'. "No, really, let's _not_."

"Did you just say Murtagh's NOT gay?" Arya demanded, suddenly appearing in the hall. Murtagh had yet to figure out how she did that; surely someone as heavy as she was would sound like a small herd of elephants heading down the stairs. This was all beginning to give him a headache...

"My son is having difficulties in a relationship with a woman!" Morzan informed her, still smiling creepily.

"Well, being him being gay would do that to a relationship with a woman," Arya muttered. Murtagh glared.

Morzan didn't hear her; he was busy having an epiphany. "I know!" he cried, pointing into the air for emphasis. Murtagh noted, yet again, that this was _definitely_ where Eragon got it from. "Before I tell everyone, I'll order celebratory fish and chips! And when I get back, we'll sort out your relationship with that young lady – you'll be just like your mother and me..."

Before he left, he planted a kiss on his wife's forehead, nodded to his sons and started whistling a cheery (and very creepy in the eyes of his sons and Arya)) tune, which could be heard by everyone in house as he strolled to the phone.

Murtagh and Eragon had not yet finished sharing a horrified and embarrassed look when Selena spoke up. "There you are, dear," she said to her elder son, whose eye began to twitch. "It'll work out just fine between you and your girlfriend. Listen to your father; he was quite the ladies' man when he was younger. Oh the nights we spent! Well, I have no need to tell you the sort of trouble we got up to, if you know what I mean," she finished, with a little giggle and a suggestive wink.

That bombshell dropped, she turned and swept from the room to resume her housework, leaving Eragon gaping, Murtagh choking on air and Arya pouring milk down the sink, having spectacularly missed her mug and been too shocked to pull the carton back into a less wasteful position.

Slowly, Murtagh turned his head to face Eragon, massaging his sore throat, and questioned, "Did she really say what I think she said?"

A dazed nod was all the Blue Rider could manage, with both brothers more scarred for life than they had previously been.

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Out in the garden, all was silent... Well, since it has already become apparent that silence is impossible with a ten mile radius as the house generally called by those who lived near the general area it had been built in 'The House of Crazy' or 'That Mad House' or 'Nevermind What It's Called, Keep Away And Save Your Sanity'; the latter having been used to scare more supermarket delivery people than Brom could shake a shoe at and Galbatorix could eat; it would be better described as quieter than usual – or a little patch of heaven in Selena's view.

So, the garden was quieter than usual and the tension surrounding the two figures, who had somehow managed to park themselves directly in the middle of it, could metaphorically be cut by a metaphorical knife. Unfortunately for Thorn, as he found out, the same could not be said for a really-not-metaphorical-at-all dragon's claw, which merely cut through the hair and caused one of the figures' hair to flap in the sudden gust of wind the movement caused.

This experiment did not affect the tension between the two men, who sat hunched over a chess board, Brom smirking menacingly at Galbatorix, who was sucking on a white pawn that he'd captured from Eragon's other teacher of Evilness, his brow furrowed in deep contemplation.

Brom watched his adversary carefully, observing as his eyebrows moved fell lower and lower on his face as he tried to think his way out of the corner Brom's epic chess skills had backed him into.

That was when it hit him.

"You're bald!" he gasped.

The mad king's jaw dropped; the pawn rolling away to freedom under Brom's foot. "You call me Baldy!" he responded.

"You're missing the point," the great shoe master huffed. "Which is why I'll make the best teacher of the art or Evilness for Eragon's kid."

"My Evil Laugh beats you and your Evils any day!" Galbatorix argued, snatching the white King and crunching it in half.

"In your dreams, Fatty," Brom muttered before clearing his throat and explaining, "You've got no hair at all on your head but more than enough in your eyebrows."

"These are the eyebrows of a champion," Galbatorix replied smugly, sucking the top half of the white King into his mouth and giving it one last, loud crunch. "Checkmate."

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Further away, nestled on the roof of Tescos, Thorn and Saphira were perched, people-watching.

_How about that one?_ Saphira suggested, snorting smoke in the direction of a ginger girl with a much-too-high ponytail bobbing happily along as she skipped down the street spreading happiness and cheer wherever she went along with flyers for a children's clothes store..

_Too... Happy, _Thorn responded.

_I thought you said you wanted a new one? _Saphira needled.

_I did,_ Thorn defended. _I do. Just not that one; she's scary._

_Oh... That one then! _Saphira continued, pointing out an acne ridden teenager mooching out of the bank with a general air of heartbreak surrounding him.

_Too sad... And scrawny, _Thorn rejected.

Saphira mused, _So not sad, or happy, or scrawny... You aren't making this easy, are you?_

_It's a life choice! _Thorn snapped. _I don't want just any human. I want it to be special. I mea-_

_That one,_ Saphira interrupted, gesturing to a muscular jogger of about twenty with a group of giggling girls stalking him.

_Too perfect._

_But you just told me you wanted perfect,_ Saphira protested.

_But not that perfect._

_What about her then?_

_Too feminine._

_Him?_

_Too manly._

_Him?_

_That's a girl._

_Really? Ugh..._

_I know. Too ugly._

As Saphira craned her neck to better gawp at the girl, who Selena would have insisted was probably beautiful on the inside and that was what counted, silence reigned, only to be overthrown by a sigh from Thorn that sent a smoke billowing from red nostrils and startled a flock of pigeons into flight through the shoppers below.

_Why don't you just talk to Mini Emo one? _Saphira prompted gently.

_It is _over_ between us, Saphira. I don't want to talk about..._ He trailed off, caught up in a sudden pang of regret that he didn't think was all his.

_If you'd just give it another go, _Saphira lectured, _you'd realise there's a _reason_ for waiting all those years for the right one. If you throw all that away now, you _will_ end up like Shruikan, all bitter, creepy and alone, and then you _will_ die all alone and no-one will attend your funeral because you lived out your life all alone with only your own sadistic, sarcastic, _creepy_ mind for company an-_

_Mini Emo one! _Thorn called, no longer caring if he and Murtagh had called it a day as he stopped withering under Saphira's intense analysis of his future life and launched himself off the roof, and winged his way home to the one being he knew, who would definitely understand his pain.

Saphira ended her lecture once she had watched the red dragon frantically flap his way into a small speck in the distance, the dragon's equivalent of a smirk stuck to her features as she reached out with her consciousness to her own two-legged bundle of trouble.

_Little one._

_Huh? _Came the dazed reply from the ever eloquent Eragon.

_Nailed it!_ she celebrated in a sing-song mental voice.

_Thanks, Saphira. Now Taggy'll want to have a snowball fight for sure!_ Eragon informed her, overflowing with cheer as he bounded out of her thoughts .

_Hmm... Taggy..._ she wondered, mulling the nickname over in her mind. _I think I like Mini Emo one better..._

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This house, the house formerly known as 'Maple Court' but commonly referred to by certain individuals, mainly the pizza delivery guy, who actually wasn't Andy Mann, and was in fact known solely as 'Barry', as 'The House of Crazy TM', contained many secrets.

The first was that Brom had been keeping Durza locked in his shoe closet since three o'clock that morning and said ginger irritation was busying himself learning the ancient art of shoe combat so that he might rise up in revolt and overthrow the cruel tyrant of the shoe-wielding variety that Brom had become in his life. But Oromis didn't consider that important enough to warrant his attention. What was more important in the eyes of the ancient elf was that Morzan kept an Evil Lair.

And in the Evil Lair he had built, because it was not simply a garage and a workshop combined; no, that was what he wanted the world to think, he was painting something. Something big. Something White. Something _dangerous_.

Oromis slipped silently down the tree branch he was perched on with his highly adept stalking skills, focussing his heavy-duty binoculars for a perfect view of the painting spectacle. Oh yes, those two light-weights in the garden thought they would be Eragon's child's teacher of Evilness, but Oromis preferred the term _Instructor_. He knew that only he and the Master of the Evil Art of Lecturing below were real contenders in this competition and he intended to win.

_Uh, Wrinkly Old Elvin One?_ Thorn started, landing by the tree.

Oromis hissed, readjusting the twig that he believed was actually shielding him from view, "You didn't see _anything_..."

**AN: Hope you all enjoyed it. I have decided to split up the chapter I wrote when I wrote the interlude. Some of it will be included in the next chapter. This and the fact that my exams finish next week will make for a quicker update.**

**Oh and my Alerts got fixed so I know actually know when I get reviews and stuff. On the topic of reviews, they still make my day so please review? **

**Thanks to ALL reviewers, readers and, if this story had any, fans. Oh and Sadie193, for your help with that one annoying niggly line. You people all rock!**

**~ThePurpleRose**


	14. Of BabyShopping and Party Plans

**AN: Okay, the beginning of this chapter some of you may already have seen from the interlude, which I will delete once this chapter is uploaded, but yeah, enjoy!**

**ULTRA IMPORTANT AN: I'm sorry, as I pretty much always am, for the late update, but don't flame me for it this time (Puppy-dog eyes), because I have a very valid reason. And with part of this reason, I'd like to advise you all that walking around a supermarket after you've had several blood tests taken is not a very good idea. But some good has come of this; after Sadie193 visited my not-so-great-feeling self and challenged me to a much more intense nanowrimo practice, I have actually written a book –as in an Original Story kind of book, which I am very proud of, even if it's not completely finished, is much longer than intended and probably has more mistakes than Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan rolled into one...**

**But yeah, I am alive, readers, never fear! Wait, why did everyone run for the hills when I said that?...**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the Inheritance series, nor am I pregnant, but I still own the randomness that is the plot… Well, what little of it there is anyway…**_

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Murtagh had never been known for his patience. No, there were some good reasons why Murtagh was known primarily for his emo tendencies. At the moment, Murtagh's eyes could spot two of these reasons.

"Look Murtagh! Ice cream!" Eragon exclaimed, pointing at the ice cream and everything.

Heck, Murtagh was attached to the two reasons.

"Eragon!" We've got more important things to do than eat ice cream!" Arya snapped, tightening her hold on Murtagh's wrist painfully.

That's right; they were out shopping for things for the baby. Murtagh could understand that; the poor kid at least deserved clothes and a nice place to sleep as consolation for having such _interesting_ parents. What Murtagh did not understand was why he has to be there.

Eragon sighed. "Fine," he muttered, dropping Murtagh's arm, grabbed in the sudden ice cream enthusiasm, and his own to his sides.

"Let's get baby clothes next!" Arya declared, still not relinquishing her hold on Murtagh's wrist as she powered towards the shop towing him along. At this rate, she'd ruin his poor wrist before his precious rusty arrow even had the chance.

Eragon seemed to perk up as soon as they were through the automatic doors because before Murtagh really knew what was happening, Eragon had shot off one way and Arya had waddled the other so he was left feeling incredibly awkward in the middle of the aisle in a children's clothing store all alone.

He wasn't alone for long though. He had barely started scanning the area for Arya, who was too round now to have gone too far and be looking at clothes at the same time, when a polite cough brought his attention to a small shop assistant whose name tag proudly proclaimed her to be named 'Maria'.

"New dad, are we?" she assumed, not giving Murtagh a chance to deny all responsibility for the horror that was lurking in the stomach of his brother's whatever-she-was. Murtagh realised in short space of time while Maria drew breath that he didn't actually know what Arya was to Eragon. "Not a problem. How old is the baby?"

"Erm, it's not yet but I-" Murtagh began, feeling increasingly awkward and embarrassed by the second.

Maria, who reminded him scarily of a cross between every single member of his unorthodox family with the possible exception of Galbatorix and Brom, cut him off. "To the newborn section then!" she announced, with a flourish.

Murtagh was probably in shock as he followed her, eyes locked onto her ridiculously bouncy ponytail, which was, Vrael forbid Durza ever comes into this shop, ginger.

"Is the baby a boy or a girl?" she asked in a chirpy, over enthusiastic manner that reminded him slightly of Eragon but exuding a helpfulness that Murtagh assumed was pure Maria.

"Er…" Murtagh didn't actually know. Neither did Eragon and Arya, which prompted him to question how they were supposed to buy clothes for this baby when they didn't know if said spawn of crazy should be dressed in blue or pink. They'd bought it a plain wooden crib but they could hardly dress it in wood…

Murtagh cleared his throat. "We don't know," he said, adding quickly, before the shop assistant could even open her mouth, "and I'm not the father."

Maria the shop assistant raised one eyebrow, suddenly looking like she'd actually got a brain. She looked almost like a normal human being. She was around his age; she'd got blue eyes – not maroon like Durza's – and she was quite short but still human height – unlike Orik. But then, you couldn't really ignore her blue, red, and yellow uniform, the ridiculously bouncy ginger ponytail, which was also rather high up on her head, and the sheer bouncy and overly happy personality that would probably have given Murtagh a headache had he not been used to annoying personalities.

"Oh. Well, you're a better man for staying with her if it's not yours. You'll be a great dad!" she consoled him. She wouldn't have been very good at it if he really had been cheated on; she was smiling.

"Actually I'm not," Murtagh answered awkwardly. "I'm the uncle. It's my brother's baby."

"Your brother!" Maria echoed. The expression of horror, followed by pity, that crossed her freckly face prompted Murtagh to realise that he'd said something wrong.

"No, no. I don't have a girlfriend," he said, a bit too quickly. "I'm here with my brother and Arya. It's their baby. I'm not with anyone."

And that was the truth of the matter. Murtagh was, he realised, after the betrayal of his precious air, all alone in the big wide world. But before he could dwell on this realisation and his beloved rusty arrow, a distraction came in the form of Arya.

"Murtagh!" she called. She had one hand on her hip and her lips were pursed. It didn't look good. "Stop chatting to women and start looking! We've got a deadline to keep to!"

"What deadline?" Murtagh asked, darkly, as Maria's ponytail deflated slightly under the pressure of the awkwardness.

Arya froze, sporting a rabbit-in-the-headlights look and a heart rate she was sure wasn't all that good for a woman in her condition. However, if she pulled this off, the look on the Red Rider's face would more than make up for it.

Murtagh, luckily for Arya, had averted his eyes at the prospect of her anger and continued with, "Not planning on popping any time soon, are you?"

"If you must know," Arya snapped, in a brief moment of inspiration, "I have a baby care regime to follow before I can sleep. Not that you'd understand, alone and unloved as you are."

If pathetic fallacy reigned supreme, the entire store would have seen the swirling storm-cloud descend on Murtagh and pelt him with rain and hail until he became one with the falling pieces. As it was, Arya alone noticed the slight downwards movement of his eyebrows and considered her task of insulting her child's uncle a job well done, and her earlier slip-up well and truly covered up.

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Back at the house, something strange was going on. Well, something strange was always going on, but this was different. This was something _stranger than usual_. The second he was sure Murtagh was out of hearing and viewing range and neither he nor Eragon had forgotten their wallets or something equally as essential to task of baby shopping, Morzan had rallied the troops – including Durza, who had been found shiftily caressing a shoe and muttering about tyranny and 'shoe mastery'.

"Is it _straight_ now?" Vanir, who Morzan had picked up while chasing Brom and Galbatorix into the house from the garden, where the young elf had apparently been arguing with a twig, whined.

Morzan paused in his directing of Brom and Galbatorix, who were attempting to haul the dining room table through the door into the lounge, but weren't really succeeding. After careful consideration, he simply said, "No."

"Ah, c'mon!" Vanir implored desperately. "Why does it even matter if the piece of cra-"

"Watch your language, please dear," Selena pre-empted. "There's no need for words like that in a place like this."

Vanir's eyes narrowed as he resisted the urge to award her a filthy look at the warning glance of her husband. "Why does it even matter if it ain't straight?"

"Because the banner is supposed to represent my son's evident masculinity and sexuality," Morzan explained.

Vanir eyed Morzan's representational creation dubiously. If it was supposed to represent Murtagh, it wasn't nearly gloomy enough in the elf's opinion; though he thought the hanging white sheet decorated in blue emulsion with the skills of a small child definitely had the mental instability of the individual it named down. It wasn't exactly well made or well thought out.

"And I thought Oromis and I told you to drop that accent," Morzan added. "If you are..."

Vanir did the one thing Murtagh had never been able to do when confronted with one of Morzan's infamous lectures. He blocked out the offending noise and went back to straightening the homemade banner.

Or at least, he did until Durza launched himself under the miniature, indoor ladder, making it wobble precariously. Vanir held his breath, reaching out to the wall to steady himself.

The ladder stabilised and Vanir let out a deep breath, his hands leaving the wall to return to the corner of the banner.

And as he did, he was bowled over by a larger body than the ginger shade's. Whoever it was immediately jumped up, using the back of Vanir's neck as leverage and set off after the panicked Durza, bellowing, "I'll teach you to touch my sacred shoe collection! You'll be the first victim of the wrath of my Killer Boot!"

Vanir lifted his head to see that Brom and Galbatorix had abandoned the dining room table as soon as Morzan's attention had moved away from them, and it was now wedged halfway through the door.

With a groan, Vanir picked himself up off the floor and lifted the ladder, noting that Morzan was so wrapped up in his lecture that he'd noticed nothing. He fleetingly wondered if Morzan would notice if he just left but dismissed the idea of escape with a sigh.

It was going to be a long day.

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Durza panted and gasped, clawing his way around the corner into the kitchen, the enraged Brom hot on his heels.

"I will murder you!" Eragon's joint teacher of Evilness vowed, sounding every bit Evil.

Durza scrambled up the counter, clambering onto one of the cupboards that were mounted on the walls in the hope that Brom would be too word out from the chase to reach him.

"And then I'll summon those little ginger friends of yours to dance and spit on your grave!"

Durza shuddered, shrinking back into the wall.

A voice whistled through the doorway. "Brom! That is not acceptable language!"

Durza released a sigh of relief that was metaphorically almost as big as he was as Selena continued, "And I thought you were old enough to know better. What would Supernanny say if she could hear what you just said? I am very disappointed in you. Can I trust you to take yourself to the naughty corner?"

Brom protested, "I... But he-"

"I don't want to hear it," Selena interrupted. "You've done a very naughty thing and I expect you to sit at the naughty corner until I come for an apology. Understood?"

Brom mumbled a sulky, "Yes", and trudged out of the kitchen.

Selena moved to the fridge and after waiting for a moment to ensure that Brom, and the danger of death by shoe that came with him, was really gone, Durza emerged from his hiding place and politely asked her if he could help in the kitchen.

Needless to say, he planned on sticking very close to his constant saviour for a while – at least until he'd perfected his plan to thwart Brom and his army of shoe minions. So far, it consisted of completing his training in shoe culture and besting the would-be shoe murderer in his own sport.

What he hadn't planned, however, was that Brom would catch him in his room while he was inspecting his enemy's secret stash. He'd been sure it would take Brom much longer to set up the over-sized table than it had taken him to tidy the bathroom.

And he certainly hadn't expected Brom to produce a brand new, steel-toe-capped boot, the bazooka of the shoe world, to hunt him down with. That boot was sure to complicate things, but it didn't matter; Durza had a secret weapon of his own, one _much _stronger than Brom's. And as soon his training was mastered... It would be his finest hour, finer, even, than the day he'd discovered the captivating beauty of the oh-so-orange flames. It was sure to be a day that nobody would ever forget.

**AN: Thanks to everyone who's reading this, and all the wonderful reviewers, and those of you who have put this fic in your favourites and alerts. You all make me smile!**

**I really appreciate all reviews, even if they only san Hi. So yeah, if you want to make my day then please review. Reviews mean faster updates... Hint...**

**But yeah, thanks again, and I hope you all enjoyed it!**

**~ThePurpleRose**


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